Untitled: Thursday, October 15, 1998

Oh, days like these seem
Like dark clouds
In a bright, blue sky.
Old Memories come haunting,
Threatening my joy.
Pressures from all around are urgent.
Things are due-
From one minute to the next.
Why do I care so much-
For it to have so much power over my life?
Why do the shadows of old
Come to make my life miserable?
The flashbacks of past smiles
Scare me so that I fear to be conscious.
Is there not some resting place;
Where no one and nothing
Can oppress my mind?

If only screaming would help!
I would sound a yawp-
That would shake the soul of any man calm and happy.
Mine is the cry-
That would leave hearts lonely and empty.
Mine is the brawl-
That would make children run and hide
In the arms of their mothers.

No comfort is found.
No peace left to cover me safe.
There are even no tears to shed,
For my anguish is too great-
Heavy like a burden.
Under its weight, I've stumbled and fallen.

Summary of January 25, 1999

Blue sky-
A conflict resolved,
Among other joys:
Like a long hug,
A stolen glance,
A secret smile.
Tonight-
A fathomless sky-
Millions of wishes,
One for each star.
My soul takes refuge
Believing in each one.

Untitled: January 8, 1999

My heart skipped a beat;
But it wasn't you.
Why do I hold you?
Why can't I let you go?
I see you.
The world around me stops-
I inhale.
Fervent hope bursting my insides
Out- comes my breath.
The shadow is gone.
Our times replayed- vanish,
Thin as air.

heated haiku- PG13

Resting in his arms
The new spring-green leaves contrast
The blue morning sky

His white skin is like
The masculine ladybug
Freckled with brown spots

This smell- his old smell
The stale sweat of his body
Refreshes my sense

Heat from the embers
The still-hot pleasures enflame
The crisp morning air

The fan-cool air chills
My sweat-moist skin awakens
My desire calls

His guttural groan
Like fire- it burns the mass,
My deep hidden thoughts

Unititled: March 8, 2002

I want to be the light of your eyes,
The warmth of your soul,
The everything and more
You could ever ask for-
I love you.
But it takes you loving me too.
Not by your words-
Throw them to the wind.
Give me your actions,
The motivations behind them.
And you will find yourself
As the light of my eyes.

untitled: March 7, 2002

Admit the pain.
Express the hurt,
Whether you want to or not.
Unburden yourself here-
At the water's edge.
Let your salty tears
Spice the liquid at your feet.
Release it;
And let it go.
It does you no benefit;
It corrodes your soul,
Darkens your light.
Don't give it the power
To destroy you.
Open your arms and scream.
It will leave you,
But you-
You must admit.

On the Beach of my Heart- Parts 1 thru 4

Part One- May 9th

A figure dances before me,
A man inviting me to get close.
His bright eyes beckon me;
And his smile warms me.
The wind is blowing-
His hair, crazy, goes wild
Making this moment seem less intimidating.
The wind rushes the scent towards me.
The smell of liberation-
Reminding me of a playful wave
Splashing on the shore.
His arms are wrapped around me.
I feel safe in this embrace.
The sand sticks between my wet toes,
And I am comforted by this situation.
In this way I am drawn in;
And no one else knows.
It is a secret exchange of the hearts.
If not love, then high admiration.
And easy smile is formed by my lips.
I am pleased by all-
That has taken place here.
And at this time, all is well.

Part Two- May 15th

I am learning the steps to his dance.
Sometimes it seems to complicated,
But I am having so much fun.
The wind is blowing my hair around too,
Yet I never lose sight of him.
I always feel close-
Even if I can't touch him;
But some doubts have crept in:
Does he wish to dance,
Or is he being polite-
Teaching me this lesson
Because I demand it so?
These ideas vanish when in his presence
I am.
I am lost in his bright eyes.

Part Three- October 31st

We've been on this beach for some time.
From strangers, to friends, to lovers;
The sun has warmed us,
And the rain has forced us close to keep warm.
He did want to dance,
And our dance has evolved
With the different times-
Still fervent, forever fervent.
I still smell liberation,
Yet its scent is no longer young and naive.
I continue to find comfort in his embrace.
This exchange of hearts,
This high admiration which has deepened
To complete love
Still pleases me.
My smile of joy, in spite of the hard times,
Is genuine and forever.

Part Four- November 26th

He is silent and missing.
I am alone on this beach;
And now, it is almost always night.
Not even my lover in the sky
Shines on me in this bleak darkness.
I dance the steps in the sand,
The ones we, he and I, learned together
Leaving my lonely prints behind.
Remember the joy.
Remember the love.
I smile towards the void.
Oh, the liberation is still here.
The strain has made it old and tired.
And all I can do is remember-
Wrapping my arms around myself,
My half-hearted attempt
To grasp at some warming comfort.
The wind is cold.
Its knife-like cut is deep.
Fervent now describes my pain;
And forever, my yearning of him.

untitled: March 3, 2001

In one moment
Everything can change
Breathless- we meet
And I am scared
Scared- because action means change
Scared- because inaction means more
Yet less, the inevitable decision

To be lost in the abyss
It tempts and pulls
For present satisfaction
Oh- but to wait
For the maturing of day
The sunset for new life
The beginning of the rest of my existence

untitled: Oct. 31, 2000

the living comes
to meet the dead
past to relive
petition for knowledge
prayer as supplication

the dead comes
to meet the living
past to retake
principalities at play
perdition as life

wonderland

"We'll face unafraid all the plans that we've made..."

I'll admit. I've been listening to Christmas music early this year. There's so much good out there, it is hard to squeeze it all into one month. Christmas music, truly, is appropriate all year round- at least, most of us could do with the message year 'round- but you've got to be pretty hard core to listen to Jingle Bell Rock in July.

Me? I started mid-November. I'd label myself "eager," but not hard core.

One song in particular has impacted me in a whole new way this year. And I am approaching it as if I've never heard it before. Why? Because of the quotation above: "we'll face unafraid all the plans that we've made."

I think that's a powerful statement.
And for some reason, I've never heard it before. I mean, I have. We all have. Winter Wonderland is a pretty basic carol; one I would say that most of us are familiar with. But I've not noticed it the way I do this year.

It is a statement that radiates confidence-
there will be fearless confrontation of life.
It's fierce, proactive.
That's the motto I want for my life.
That's a motto I want to be worthy of-

Dare I say that's the motto of our President-elect?
(Whether you like him or not, I think we all can agree that he plans to confront change for America; and he's pretty confident about that.)

It is a motto appropriate for those who walk in faith: plans are made and you'll face them, but unafraid; because there is a Higher Power in charge of fate.

Imagine if that were all our motto: people facing life, unafraid.
Our world would become a wonderland.

And if I can master it, if I can embrace a fearless confrontation of life- that is what I would be living in, a wonderland.

untitled

I am a wretch,
a woman who loved
Too strong- too soon.
My heart,
It bleeds.
My mind,
It's fixed.
It denies being retrained.
Alone it seems
For me to be.
I wallow long
To drown in the dark,
THE PIT.
And my song?
It is squelched-
With my lark.

Written July 11, 1998

what a day

What a very crazy full day!

I could have left a zillion different status reports, but where to begin? So, I decided to write a note. This day deserves that much-

1. Woke up feeling sore; but that's good, because I got to work out yesterday. And that's good because I was a member of BIP which most of you know is no longer, but now I am a member at Gold's because they are honoring contracts- AND THAT'S AMAZING!!

2. Woke up to a talking baby- did I mention that he was a non-stop-talking baby. And that's good- because just a year ago, he wasn't doing so much talking.

3. Had a 30 review with my boss; and that went really well. I am happy.

4. Went back to the gym and my muscles were screaming; but afterwards they were groovy. And I felt limber.

5. Made a phone call in the car and noticed that it was snowing. I looked up and saw a big, gray cloud and a bunch of blue sky and sunshine- AMAZING.

6. I got the opportunity to make sure that Rand's old things were going to be used by people who need them. I love that feeling. If you have any baby items that you aren't using call "A Heart's Cry" and donate them to women in need.

7. I finished a letter of recommendation. I was flattered to be asked. Stressed because I wanted it to be good. Freaked out because I had a deadline. And satisfied with the outcome. That letter rocked! It has been sent and I feel like a student who has a load off- not to mention the assurance that the letter made it thanks to the technology of email.

8. I got this AWESOME, AWESOME Sandra-Bullock-in-the-Lakehouse haircut that is crazy-cool and amazing. Just imagine bangs and layers everywhere. Am lovin' it. And I can still rock the hat! Am am planning to add crazy-color (maybe green?) this weekend?

9. I got to run around with my baby and make him feel loved. And he told me he loved me.

10. I hit 101010 on my odometer.

11. McD's for dinner! I'm lovin' it.

12. Rand's toy from the Happy Meal sang, "I like to move it, move it." So I had a good excuse to shake my groove thing in the middle of K-Mart.

13. K-Mart was having a sale in the grocery section: 40% off some items....'nuff said.

14. Got a call from a fabulous friend while I was groovin' and shoppin' at the Big K. Couldn't go hang, but was so happy to be called. I felt loved.

15. I made a new mix tape of Jason Mraz songs- ones that I've had to gather from the here and there. And that has been my soundtrack today.

"Let's face unafraid all the plans that we made...."

they were my words...

She took my words, my words, and made them someone else's.

There was no warning- no request.
It just was.

She has power over me and I understand that; but I was under the assumption that taking someone else's words without permission was still a no-go-zone.

Anytime.
Period.

I feel robbed.
I feel sad.

My words are printed in black and white for all to read with someone else's name under them. I struggle for the feeling of excitement: my words were chosen to be printed! That should be amazing! I should be celebrating! But I can't take credit and I can't publicly celebrate, because they aren't my words: they are my-words-turned-her-words.

I'm mad.
And I don't want to give her any more of my words- ever!

just wondering...

I was just wondering how much we influence each other. How am I different because of the people I've kept close; how am I different because of those I've left behind. And how am I different because of the ghosts that follow me?

If you and I had continued to be friends-
Would we be better for the continued investment in each other's lives?
I would like to think that we would be better- not worse. That we would have kept each other accountable in a way that no one else in the world could do-

That our connection and devotion to each other would have spilled out to touch other lives. And that they too would be the better for it.

I'm in a reminiscent mood; and not really interested in that admonishing voice warning against the "what if" game being a waste of time.

I was just wondering- what do you think?

tragic flawS

Would you just give me a break?! We all have tragic flaws; and I certainly don't pick on yours~

I admit.
I have them.
Plural.
Bad ones!
Ones that can sometimes be all-encompassing.

They are meant to balance the overwhelming endearing Latina passion and enthusiasm that flows through my being. You can't encase all that positive spirit without a price.

So leave me alone.
I gave up perfection a long time ago.
I've settled for surviving- embracing the balance that makes me...me.

And beware! Those flaws can rear their ugly heads at any time.
Understand that it won't last forever. They haven't taken over- not yet.
And in those moments know that I'm sorry- for your sake- that you've chosen to be my friend.

i am so sorry

Izzie, I'm so sorry.
I am so sorry that it didn't work.

I thought it was a good idea. I wanted it to work. Burning the sweater- a great idea! You even mustered up the courage to ask Alex for help- three cheers for you. I was holding my breath. If it worked, then I would gather my strength and courage too-

But it didn't.
We were on the precipice of answers, but there were none when we got on the other side.

And now it seems that you are headed for ruin. Because you talked back: and now you can feel. And for you, it's real.

I mourn for you.
I am jealous of you.
And while I watch, I will snuggle with my own sweater of the past; since burning doesn't seem to be a good idea.

why I love him so much

I know you guys think I am obsessive at times. And I don't disagree. Believe me, I know that I go overboard sometimes.

But this is part of the reason why I love Jason Mraz so much- just read this:

I'm not the person you want to meet. The music is. And the music is alive in you as much as it is in me. We created it together. Therefore, you already know me. We've already hugged and kissed. We grew close for a moment and then said our goodbyes.

It took my breath away.

The clouds of potential thought are heavy today. It feels like rain. I fear what would happen if I identified too strongly with one of those clouds. To do so would be to let my mind stop me from having a good time. And so, I take cover under the umbrella of the Tao Te Ching.

Truly:
Being and non-being are born of each other,
Difficulty and ease form one another,
Long and short mutually define,
High and Low to each other incline,
Tone and voice as one align,
Front and back each other bind.

-Lao Tzu, translated by Patrick Byrne

It takes a crane to build a crane.
Thanks for building me.

I love his words.
I love how he puts them together.
I want to be able to do that.

why am I in the kitchen?

She just walked into the kitchen. The problem is, she can't remember why. It was just in her mind- something important. Frustration washes over her. She feels like she is slipping. She can't hold onto things: ideas, memories, tasks. They pop into her mind; and then they are gone. Plucked like ripe cherries from laden trees; evil deeds by greedy ravens.

She stands in the kitchen surveying the view. She thinks, maybe if she sees something it will spark some thought. But even as she turns her head from the cabinets to the table, she feels her eyes glazing over. She's lost control. What am I doing in the kitchen, she thinks. She shakes herself a bit a walks out.

What she doesn't see is the wraithe-like figure behind her.
What she doesn't feel are its long, bony fingers piercing her skull and swirling her brain. Its dusty-brown, dead fingers swirl through her head as if it desires to create an intellectual froth from which to drink deeply. And it wins. The longer she fights to control her thoughts, the more it can feed.

It will only stay with this one a little longer. She was strong at first: thoughtful, busy; but focused. Lately, she is tired and broken. There is not much fight left, and soon there will not be much left to fill its belly.

Sad that.
Sad for it.
Devastating for her.

CREEPY

"Walking On Air"
song by Kerli

There's a little creepy house
In a little creepy place
Little creepy town
In a little creepy world
Little creepy girl
With her little creepy face
Saying funny things that you have never heard

Do you know what it's all about
Are you brave enough to figure out
Know that you could set your world on fire
If you are strong enough to leave your doubts

She has a little creepy cat
And a little creepy bat
Little rocking chair and an old blue hat
That little creepy girl
Oh she loves to sing
She has a little gift
An amazing thing
With her little funny eyes of hazel
With her little funny old blue hat
She will go and set the world on fire
No one ever thought she could do that

You know that I love you, go on...

Feel it, Breathe it, Believe it
And you'll be walking on air
Go try, Go fly, So high
And you'll be walking on air
You feel this
Unless you kill me
Go on
And you're forgiven
I knew that
I could feel that
I feel like
I am walking on air

I like the idea of setting the world on fire. The hard part about that is leaving my doubts. There are moments of release, but never a total surrender. Kerli suggests that you have to be brave, to be strong. To feel, to breath it- BELIEVE it. SO, I have to claim my independence from my doubts; and in so doing, I would be free to impact my world in a whole new way. I would be walking on air.

squeak

"I am woman, hear me roar."
Helen Reddy

I'd like to think that I am awesome.
Capable of anything.
Willing to do anything.
Able to BE anything.

And I think that the potential is within me.
I take that back-
I know that the potential BURNS within me.

But my flames are blanketed by my fear of man.
Fear of reputation.
Fear of fallout, of consequences.

OH, if I could but unleash myself of such fetters...
where would I be?
what would I be doing?
would my world be on fire?

just wondering

Well you're magic, he said.
But don't let it all go to your head.
Well I bet if you had it all figured out
Then you'd never get out of bed.

You've got all the skill you need
Individuality
You've got something
Call it gumption
Call it anything you want...

WE FOUND PEACE IN THE SHADOWS
LONG ENOUGH TO SEE THE MONSTERS RISE
LIVING HIGH ON YESTERDAYS LIES

IF I KNEW ALL THE WORDS
I WOULD WRITE MYSELF OUT OF HERE
IF I WAS ALL THE COLORS
I WOULD PAINT YOU PRETTY IN GOLD IN A PICTURE

slide your foot off the gas
before we crash right back into the median
right back into the median, the median...

it separates our house
from the middle of the street

it separates our house
on the middle of the street

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;

It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!

How could we get lost running in a straight line?


(I am NOT this amazing. These are words from amazing writers that I fashioned into my own thoughts. Thank you Sam! Thank you Jason! I don't think that I could have done it myself tonight.)

my Muse

"In this transition phase, I really am trying to live as much like a lizard as I can. Hot, rock, sun, fly, tongue."
Robert Downey Jr.

I had some extra time on my hands...
And so, I got him on my hand; my Muse.

His head rests on the first knuckle of my middle finger,
His tail curls around my wrist.
He is large, fat; serpentine-
Brown, blue, silver- with a little green.

He reminds me to feel.
He challenges me to NOT think-
but jump and roll into the landing;
That life isn't a script, but candid.

Thank you, Muse.
You hurt like hell; but I am glad you are here.
A picture of my chosen path-
Undeniable, unforgettable-
Simple.


Oh, and I got my tongue pierced too.
Finally

sam is the man

But oh ! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !
A savage place ! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced :
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail :
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean :
- excerpt from Samuel Taylor Coleridge's Kubla Khan

Do you ever have days-
You don't have to understand!
You just feel, experience-
and know-
you are.

Thanks, Sam.
I love you too!

parenting will pass

Personally, there are days I think the whole thing sucks, and I am glad there is a heaven to go to after all this mess is said and done.

And I do love my baby- no matter who is right. Even in my frustrated moments, I try to love, love, love. I do wish he came with an informational print-out; but then I wouldn't have to rely on God near as much. I try to tell Him that there could have been other ways, but that's where the "trusting that He knows best" comes in.

Defintely NOT funny.
And I am certainly not happy about the whole thing...
but then, like a vapor, this existence will pass; and you and I can share coffee in paradise and giggle with relief that it is all over with...

do you smell those fumes...

...they are coming from my brain.

For those of you who don't know- I am currently without employment. I left LabCorp in a step of faith at the end of August. The time home to rest, heal, and engage has been wonderful.

God has given us enough in that time to make sure the bills were covered.
So, let's take a minute to praise HIM for looking out for my family!!!

And now that minute is over-
I am freakin' out! I am the one who takes care of the bills in my family, and I am anal about the details. I have mentioned to God that having a second salary coming in...a little cushion, so to speak, would be preferable to the "just enough," thank you so much. And I am sending out all kinds of applications....

...and that is where the fumes are coming from. My goodness....can't they just take a blood sample and be done? I want to be so careful. I want to make sure each application I send out (to wherever) is perfect and original- that means specific cover letters as well. SIGH~

My head hurts.

So, if you think about it (or if that once-educated-brain-is-now-overdone smell wafts through your window and into your nose and reminds you of my plight) send a prayer up for me. I am asking God for something interesting, for decent money, and for something local (so that I can engage in mothering duties). But I am open to his will-

-and yes, even if that means I have to be patient.
(it is unfortunate, I am not one of those silent-while-waiting type of believers....)

i need to lose some marbles

I have this enormous bag of marbles.
Some of them are really old. Some are new.
Most of them very good people gave me. Some I found myself.
Each one means something- stands for something: makes me feel something.

For the longest time, I have been trying to forget that I have been carrying around this bag. It is heavy. And even though each marble makes me feel something- it isn't necessarily a good thing.

How do I pick?
Which ones go? Which ones stay?
Where do I start?
What justifications do I use?
Am I educated enough?
Am I wise enough?
Can I trust my feelings?
What is redeemable?

"Please, will YOU help me? Rescue me from this enormous weight. Help me keep the right marbles and help me lose the others!"

last night's dream turned tirade

I had a weird dream last night- and you were in it.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding for a good, but kooky friend up in that northern state. She chose to have the bridesmaids wear old, bedazzled wedding dresses topped of with crazy hats. For instance, I was in an ivory, strapless, cream-puff-skirt of a dress. And to make fashion matters worse, the dress bodice and my lavender, Gavin DeGraw hat tied the knot beautifully with each other- as they were plastered with an innumerable amount of rhinestones. Very flashy to say the least.

A simple church.
A packed wedding.

I can't tell you my surprise when your dad was the minister.
I wondered why you and your family where in the front row of the groom's side. It gave me a good view. You looked young. And when we made eye contact you looked worried, scared of me.

As well you should be.

Confronting you at the wedding wouldn't have been decent; so I waited. And as usual- you came to me first. It was a very surreal mix of our past and present- and to hell with whatever future there is...

"I'm so sorry."

"You always are."

"I just wasn't thinking..."

"That's the problem! You forge ahead and it's only when you are knee-deep that you think about the consequences. But you only seem to do that with relationships...or maybe, only with your relationship with me. And I am tired of it! I am tired of being that person for you. I am tired of going- then stopping; of relating- then being forced to disassociate; of wanting more- then getting none. I don't want to do it anymore. I love you; but not like that. And I think we could be the best of friends; but not if you don't even know your own mind."
______________________________________________________

Somehow, my friend's wedding melted into a conversation that I've been wanting to have. At some point, the cream-puff skirt dissolved into a mound of unresolved issues- ones that require dialogue.

Funny how dreams can turn on you.

Damn you! You frustrate me so much.
And yet, because we both exist on that plane- that beautiful, wonderful place; a place not shared by many- I will most likely forgive you your inadequacies (because I want to, not because God told me to) and be game for another go.

Since you'll probably get there first- order me a hazelnut latte. A large one. I want it to have a chance of lasting through our conversation.

the shack

Please read The Shack by William P. Young.

I finished reading it today.
I cried.
My mind is still reeling with the ideas.


I will have to reread it again soon- to make sure that I absorb every single simple yet mind-blowing, amazing idea.

Today, I liked God.

in case you wanted to know as well

Recently, a friend asked me where I was with God. This was the answer that I gave him. I can't think of a better way to say it, so enjoy.


As far as God is concerned-
I am not the girl I used to be
I'm somewhere on the path to womanhood
I want to be a woman of God
But I am stubborn and cynical
There are some days better than others
And deep down, I am thankful
That His gift can't be returned
No matter what my faults are
Or how stong my battles with disbelief
His WORD doesn't change
And since there is nothing I can do
To earn it anyway
I have to trust that He will love me
As I am

change

Change- (as verb)

1. to make or become different
2. to give up in return for something else
3. to leave or discard for another

Synonyms: acclimatize, adapt, alchemize, alter, alteration, alternate, amend, break, cash, castrate, commute, conversion, convert, correction, deviate, deviation, difference, diversify, diversity, evolve, exchange, fluctuate, graduate, inflect, innovation, metamorphose, metamorphosis, metastasize, modify, modulate, move, mutate, orient, orientate, oscillate, permutate, rearrange, reform, regulate, remove, replace, revamp, reversal, reverse, revise, revision, shift, specie, substitute, swap, switch, tergiversate, transfer, transfigure, transform, transition, transmogrify, transmute, transplant, transpose, transubstantiate, turn, vacillate, variation, variegate, vary, veer

-info from http://thesaurus.reference.com

I am only 27; and already I can recognize the traits of a persnickety, crotchety adult. I cling to routine, to the known like it's my lifeline. Confidence is found in predictable moments. And these moments are rolling on; and nothing new is being done. AND I AM ONLY 27!

Change is dynamic.
It involves work.
Would I really chose to to do more than what is already expected of me (and that which I expect from myself)?

I love the list of synonyms above because each word is a different shade of the word change. And each word carries with it it's own connotation; it's own consequence.

Change sometimes means making a mistake.
And the older I get the harder it is for me to willingly put myself in that position.

And so, here I am with crazy, conflicting ideas: about the person I am, what I struggle with, and who I want to be.

I embrace the idea of being dynamic vs. static- now I just need to embrace the action behind that hope.

LUCUBRIOUS

Urban Dictionary:

1. lucubrious: to be calm, cool, flowing; relaxed in an upbeat atmosphere.
2. lucubrate: to work hard, late into the night
3. lucubration: to study hard at night and also the product of such study; work produced at night

Dictionary.com:

1. lucubrate: A. to work, write, or study, esp. at night B. to write learnedly
from the Latin, lucubrare, which means to work at night by lamplight
2. lucubrates: to write in a scholarly fashion; produce scholarship

I promise that there are people out there who use this word. Just google it!
But there is one, in particular, who sold it to me with a shiny red bow: Jason Mraz!

Go make your next choice be your best choice
And if you're looking for a boy with a voice,
well baby I'm single
Are you in the mood for some dude,
are you in the mood to be subdued
Or would you rather just mingle?
Let's get set then, to go then
and let us jet set, we'll be like the jetsons
You can be Jane my wife. Should I marry Jane tonight?

I would, if I could.
I'd do oh anything spontaneously.

Or we can keep chilling like ice cream filling
We can be cool in the gang if you'd rather hang
Ain't no thing. I can be lucubrious with you.
I got no ifs ands ors no wits or whats about it
But this place is getting crowded
and my house is two blocks away
Or maybe closer
-excerpt from I'll Do Anything by Jason Mraz

For those of you who don't know (and consider yourselves blessed b/c I talk about him all the time), I am going through a serious Jason Mraz phase. And yet, I don't think it is really a phase. I think this is going to be a life-long love affair (similar to the one I have with Dave Matthews Band).

There is something infinitely groovy about his music! And he is a brilliant, brilliant writer. I envy his ability to word play. I strive to achieve his greatness. I have been so awed by his vocabulary that I have actually looked words up- yes, I know that I'm a nerd. That is how I stumbled upon lucubrious and realized that it was my word. In some way, my identity is tied with this word. That's why I chose it for my latest tattoo.

am and/or am becoming

"And there I am, in a kind of mask, voicing the voice of an aspect of what I've become, or an aspect of what I could well become, or an aspect of what I've become and not become aware of yet."
Robert Downey Jr.

I was in a conversation with a pleasant stranger this weekend at a wedding. She looked at me and said, "You are amazing! You are one of those people who are comfortable in your own skin."

"Really?! You think so?"

"Oh, yes!" she confirmed emphatically.

I turned to my husband who was also a part of this conversation with shock on my face, because he chimed in his agreement. All I could think was are you guys kidding me?

"Yes," he said. "She is a person who is comfortable in her own skin. And when she isn't, she plays it off well."

Wow. He really thought that about me? Me? A person comfortable in her own skin! Now, don't get me wrong- that is exactly the kind of person I want to be: comfortable with myself and confident in my abilities. I find these qualities in others so alluring, attractive, desirable. And even though, it is something I have wanted to obtain; I didn't realize that on some level, I had already attained it.

I reflected on their comments. Yes, maybe not in all areas, but in some- I am that person. Hmm...


And there I am, in a kind of mask- an aspect of what I've become and slowly becoming aware of...

spinning (cont.)

It's creepin' up on me...

But the weary one is often me-
Do you think it's obsession?
It's a dead end;
It's a long way down
Funny- the words you lose
You know the map is your hand.
Remember what you can!

Sitting alone again.

I held onto it close-
To the numbness in my heart.
And then I ran away
Just to find you.
I love and emrabce all that I can.

Let me bask inside your golden sea...

God, I am hopeful-
Of what this lonely night will lead me into-
Let me indulge in my view:
The keeper of starlight!

I say, "let the games begin;
This whole damn world is your toy, boy.
I wish you well. Well, that you get better."

Watch me disappear up under my skin.
I'll be feeling it...hope you're feeling it too-

I don't know just what I'm here for-
I want more than words can describe
I've been deprived...
My whole world has fallen apart around me.

I'm drinking all of the tears you cry
I'm breathing up every breath you sigh.

I don't wish to know my ending.
I just want to know when I begun.

Feel like I'm spinning-
Just like I'm spinning, spinning around-

-selections from Welcome to Schubas (Medley) by Jason Mraz


Is there anything else that I can say?
Perfect words- maybe a little rearranged; but noteworthy, nonetheless.
Spinning and looking for my place; but the golden light is beautiful and warm. I am hopeful.
The words are slippery beasts, but I remember what I can.
Hope; Hopeful; Am hopeful...
Maybe, I am getting better too.

lucky?

Everything's different- again.
Oh, My God, wait and see-
What will soon become of me?
This frozen heart and screaming wheels-
Does that screaming come from me;
Or is it from all this spinning?

Take me back-
To just before I was spinning.
Take me back-
It is amazing what a minute can do.
-from So Damn Lucky by Dave Matthews

And in that minute- if I had not been smitten, stubborn, wanting, willing, and in love; would I now be spinning? screaming? waiting and seeing what will become of me?

Right or Left?

Starbucks are everywhere!

I am at a crossroads.
One of many that I have already traversed. One of many that will force me to make a decision.

Right or Left.

I am not sure which way to go. This isn't one of those fast turns into a new direction. This action needs time to prepare for consequences- because either turn has good or bad side effects.

And so, I am at the coffee shop, Starbucks. (Because there is a Starbucks at every divet in the road offering a moment of respite from the journey.) I have ordered one of my favorite liquid delights: a decaf tall hazelnut with soy milk latte. I am sitting outside at one of the alfresco cafe tables, and have a perfect view of the divergence of roads.

Right or Left.

Thankfully, this Starbucks offers free Wi-Fi. Yes, I have my Mac up and running- helping me to research this decision...too bad it can't just make my decision.

Left or Right.

Frost said he took the one "less traveled by and that has made all the difference."

I appreciate that point of view.
And am thankful for his advice....
But, I'm not so sure that it's the choice for me...

if I were a stone

I love amethysts.
That purple gem is my birthstone. And I love how it can range from lavender to a deep, dark, rich violet. So much variety in one stone- I can relate; but that's not the one I would choose.

And, of course, I can go weak-kneed over a diamond. The refreshing clarity is like eating an Altoid- just burns you up inside. The more sparkly the better. The flash catches my breath. I expect fireworks. Diamonds remind me of my passion- but I am not passionate all the time.

I identify with a stone called Labradorite.
Imagine very dirty dish water- something a little gray, yellow or green- sometimes, brown. Semi-transparent and dirty with little bits floating around. That is exactly what Labradorite looks like when you first come across it. What good is a stone like that? It is dull. It is filthy. It is boring and typical.

But then, in the right light, it flashes- vibrant green, astounding blue, vital purple! I have seen- at times- a sunburst of yellow. It happens quickly. You could almost not believe your eyes. So beautiful. And surprising.

This is my kin stone.
We are one, though different objects.
This relates to my blog, "Interesting Thought." The mixture of divine spirit and dust.

You look at this dusty stone and flashes of brilliant beauty astound you. It isn't all the time; but when it happens, it matters and means something.

I know that passion wells within me. There are times when I feel compelled to rise above my typical existence. I hope that these flashes of passion are the divine sparking outwards. That in these unbridled sparks there is vibrant, astounding vitality. That there are glimpses of the Son. That I can rise above gray and be green, blue, purple, and yellow.

face it

Calm down
Deep breaths
Get yourself dressed- (and out of bed)

If it's a broken part-
replace it
If it's a broken arm-
then brace it
If it's a broken heart-
then face it.

HOLD YOUR OWN.
KNOW YOUR NAME.
AND GO YOUR OWN WAY.

And everything-
Everything will be fine.

-from Details in the Fabric by Jason Mraz

Too much running. Too much denying. Too much pretending things are okay. Enough is enough.

I look in the mirror and face the facts- ugly, hurting, and uncertain.
And, I'll be okay-
Why?
Because Jason says so...
Because Jana says so...
Because Romans 8:28 says so...

Because I have looked myself in the mirror, taken a deep breath, faced the bleak facts, remembered who I am and said so...

murrell's in my mind

A weekend away is always a good thing. Time for learning. Time for confirming.
Here are the latest new and reminder lessons:

1. The GSP isn't as smart as you think it is. And sometimes it is- but it certainly can't read my mind. Because, if it did...

2. It is so nice to be the passenger on a trip. Not driving is a wonderful thing....I actually got to look around! Now I have a list of places to check out next time I do drive.

3. Most of the "cute" guys at a Golf Resort are going to be 60 years old.

4. I am big on the pig.

5. Next to my Mac and my iPod, my HP Photosmart Digital Camera is the most amazing piece of technology that I own. These are the kinds of machines that make technology so wonderful and make life that much better (unless they aren't working- and in that case, life couldn't be worse...it is a love/hate thing!)

6. I love the beach. I love the sand in between my toes. I love the ocean. I love the ocean when it is too cold to swim and you're risking hypothermia to swim. I love tide pools. I find the poetic history on the shore breathtaking. It is awe inspiring how the same beach can be so different each day, each hour, each minute. And yes, I do feel closer to God at the beach. The majesty is somehow expounded, compounded there.

7. Little tourist beach shops don't tempt me as much as they used to- although, the fudge is still calling my name.

8. I think it is funny to go to a restaurant called Bovines when you have a view of the water.

9. I love live music- all kinds. Anything that puts spice into the night air. Sounds you can swing to, jam to, rock out to, sing with, shake 'em hips...

10. Big Orange Moons hypnotize me. And I almost lose myself looking...

11. Yes, I would have gone. It would have been the most stupid decision of the trip- if it turned out wrong. But what if it was a pleasant jaunt? It would have been amazing! And yes, I would have repaid the offer with a kiss on the cheek. And, thank you for offering- even if you were drunk.
11a. And speaking of drunk, what was I thinking? Being sick is never fun....but the spinning was...until I couldn't stop it.

12. I could have easily blown $500 at the tattoo parlor- good thing I didn't have that much. But love Dion! Thank you for talking ideas with me- even if I didn't like what you had to say.

13. My dragon is always with me. He gave me another visit. Again unexpected. But this time, I embrace the challenge with gusto, because I LOVE what I am doing! And hopefully, soon, I will see him everyday; and I will tell him- everyday- that I LOVE his presence because it means that I am doing what I LOVE!!!

14. Piercings hurt- and hurt afterwards too. But it's finally nice to look up and see what I have always seen- for real.

15. He hunts me and lurks in my thoughts the closer I get to the coast. My ghost lover reminds me that I really, really am made for coastal living. And in my dreams, he joins me there in my blue house at the water's edge.

16. Cloudy days at the beach may not prove beneficial for sun bathing, but they are just as soul warming.
16a. And hair curling! I never get curls at home like I do at the beach. Thank you, Finess, for softness. Thank you, Tressime, for lovely, milky waves. But thank you, Beach Air, for tight spiral curls that would make a curling iron ashamed.

17. How can hundreds of carp think they are going to get their fair share of pellets when 50 cents only gives you a handful? Don't they ever learn?

18. Follow the buzz. Explore the Beehive. You won't get stung...promise. The honey is waiting, dripping sweet with rewards. The Queen allows her workers some freedom to share the wealth. Bee brave. Step out. Bee yourself!

19. Sometimes waiting to buy something because you know you can get it for a cheaper price is the right decision. Two for one is what I am talking about.

20. Certain friends are forever. Forever friends still change and grow. No matter what you think, accept the change and love. Or it isn't a forever friendship.

a moment akin

I was hopping up the stairs at my gym. Heading to the stationary bike. Wasn't looking for reading material- already had my Robert Jordan book. Anyone who knows, knows that it's enough to keep anyone busy for some time.

But there was a pile of magazines on my way, and I saw it. A semi-recent issue of Rolling Stone with Robert Downey Jr. pictured on the front.

You can rag me for all eternity; but ever since I saw Only You, I've had an unconfessed Downey crush- despite all his terrible personal decisions. Might I just add that his character in Iron Man is scrumptious and I thought he played it so well.

So, now you know.
And know you know why I had to pick up this Rolling Stone. An amazingly hot pic of Downey; plus a line that says, "To Hell and Back with Robert Downey Jr." A very salacious combination- well done, Erik Hedegaard (if, indeed, that was your front cover lure, it worked on me!).

And what an education.
And what an inspiration.
(Everything in quotes are Robert's words according to Erik. I have, of course, used them to my own benefit. But if you are concerned about me taking things out of context, look up the article yourself.)

"Obligation is the mother of deformity."
This quote left me breathless. The best way to stunt the real self is to act upon obligations and not one's own choice. I've been learning this, but never able to verbalize it so accurately.

"Leave me alone. I don't want to do anything that's numinous to me, nor less than evocative. I just don't want to do anything."
So tired of living up to everyone else's standards. Might as well forget the whole thing and stop trying all together. Definitely thoughts that have rolled around in my head, like so many damp clothes in the dryer. Over and over again.

"It was manufactured. I didn't have an identity. I was playing around. I expressed it. I got the ball and I ran with it. I never said I ran the right way..."
My identity was a creation for the world around me. Realizing I am a people-pleaser on a foundational level, I am attempting to forego the pleasantries and be real.

"I'm such a work in progress at the moment, it's crazy, and life wants me on edge, I swear to you. But as long as I don't forget the past I'm cool. One must always be mindful. That there's nothing to be scared of anymore. All that tripped-out shit that isn't the way I operate anymore, but that's a twitching phantom limb. I'm changing, even though my conscious mind is oftentimes resisting, and then it becomes a matter of just how much do I want to resist?"
In my attempt to be real- I am learning about myself. Appreciating myself for who I really am. Giving value to my thoughts and opinions. Holding close to the lessons of the past, but not giving them the right to restrict my reformation. At least, I am trying. It's like trying to walk on an ankle recently operated on and casted-up for months: slow going. Trying to move on and heal all at the same time. Hoping to be strong soon and cursing the limitations; but knowing that things will work out- maybe.

"It's not an algorithm anymore. It's a fixed number. Things have been zeroed out; it's the beginning of something. But right now, it's still a void, and we tend to think of the void as an abyss or a vacuum with nothing there. In fact, it's a new road, and what you should do on this new road is close for repairs- close right way, because that old vehicle is not going to work on that new road. I mean, if the cosmos is a loving, healing thing that also spins real fast and erupts and does violent stuff, and if there really is some kind of order to the whole thing, then everything that's led up to this moment has to be part of it, or the math doesn't work."
This is the companion to my precipice theory: "not there yet...well, maybe. Well maybe I have to change first. Maybe the changes happen as I go. I need to look to God. God is always looking down on me, out for me, making way for me. Here is my new road. Found it. Finally! Am I ready to take it, walk it, claim it? Do I leave the past behind? No, it comes with me; but is not me."

"My identity now? My identity was written on the wall by ancient and formidable guides and forces. The best thing I can do is keep my hand out of it. And there I am, in a kind of mask, voicing the voice of an aspect of what I've become, or an aspect of what I could well become, or an aspect of what I've become and not become aware of yet."
I am becoming. I am learning and making, steering and asking, writing and praying.

I have become.
I am becoming.
I will become.

interesting thought

Listen to this thought (not mine, but I thought it was interesting; and saw it in a rock before I could see it in me...will explain later.)

God made humans by mixing 2 very different things: divine breath and dust. Spirit and earth were woven together. On one side we are realated to the angels, the transcendent, the spiritual, the Amish. On the other, we are cousins to jackals, weasels, skunks and lawyers.
-Dr. Terry Lindvall

The Maker of all things bright and beautiful is also the maker of some things embarrassing and funny. Thank God for the humility that comes in being "made a little lower than the angels" as well as "cousins to jackals, weasels, and skunks."
-Rachel St. John-Gilbert

As a father has compassion on his chidlren, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.
-Psalms 103:13-14

He REMEMBERS that we are DUST.
Not meant to be perfect. Never able to be perfect.
But always able to be loved- as we are. Composed of dust, dirt, muck, mud, putrid essence...
And still loved.
Thank you, Lord! For remembering, for understanding, for loving- me as me.

the greatest weekend...

I have an amazing weekend planned with the girls- one of "those" weekends.
Here is what it takes to have one of "those" weekends.
(this list is NOT in order of importance- it is ALL equally important!!)

1. Laugh Yourself to Sleep: Nighttime Devotions for the "Unconventional" Woman
2. 5 Star Accomodations
3. Private Beach
4. 2 gal pals that have known me almost 17 years...really, they are family-
5. Triple-Sec, Margarita Mix, Jose
6. Absolute Citron
7. Mango flavored RUM (b/c there ALWAYS has to been SOME rum...yum!)
8. frozen fruit
9. "Blue Like Jazz"
10. "The Shack"
11. Awesome array of funky, crazy, AWESOME jewelry
12. sense of adventure
13. desire for more ink
14. Crazy, orange dress
15. Funky Jason-Mraz-Michael-Jackson HAT
16. my apple
17. my iPod
18. my journal
19. my Crocs
20. oh, yea, and some money...

Planning on having a smashing time!

my merchant's tigerlily

It is a beautiful day-
A cloudy, gray day.
Cool and perfect.

A great day to listen to Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily.

Go West- paradise is there!
You'll be the brightest light the world has ever seen.
Your future bright beyond compare...
Such an awful sound,
The walls came tumbling down-

Disbelieving what they're seeing
They say I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation.
They can offer no explanation-
Know this child will be able,
Know this child will be gifted,
She'll make her way.

You were the love
For certain of my life.
I can't believe
I've lost the very best of me.
It's you I can't deny.
It's you I can't defy.
A depth so deep into my grief-
I renounce my life.
Now my suffering begins-

It's nothing but a tragedy
Lay to rest your soul and body,
Lay beside your name,
Lay to rest your rage,
Where your heart had burst
Where you had died.

I have walked these streets-
Have I been blind, lost?
Inside myself and my own mind,
Hypnotized, mesmerized?

I may know the truth-
But not face it,
Indifferent.
I'm on my knees,
I'm begging now;
But it's all gray-
All gray to me now.
This may be the time,
But I might waste it.
Something move me!
Someone prove me wrong!

The pages I could write-
Bitter words it would contain,
Wishing to never know your name.
The truth it would reveal-

Together, they are lovers cruel.
Can't you love me too?
He grows sober, sees his love
And gets on the move.

Accidentally, do you say my name?

Climbing over,
Climbing under,
I'm bound for the riverside-
To soothe my mind
To ponder, to sit, to watch.
O, Child, it's lovely!

How did I love you?
The rightful guardian of my life...
I made offerings of everything I had-
You were all that I could see.
You lied.
Damn you, betrayer.


She makes it all sound so beautiful.
An amazing soundtrack to a day like this-

**the words from the poem above are pulled directly from the lyrics of Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily- chronological by song."

MWAH...pucker up, baby!

Can I just tell you how happy I am that Christine kisses the Phantom at the end of the Opera?

She just lays one on him- and even he is surprised about it. Almost so surprised that he can't even enjoy it.

In my opinion, it is: intriguing, sexy, alluring, daring, risky, forgiving, full of desire, wishful, deliberate, showy, and most of all-

SAD.

Remember, this is Christine's last crazy act before settling down with Raoul.
There is a reason, no matter who it is with, they call it "settling" down.

Think about it: Chrisitine kisses the Phantom.
Let that sink in- roll it around on your tongue.

Kiss the Phantom.

oh...ok

I scream and rage into the void-
In this eternal black box, I wail until breathless.
It is endless night, no sun to shine on my despair.

Will I always have to choose to hold him back?
Will his intelligence wain because his acceptance of social structure is weak?
My son, the brilliant one, will he ever fit in and accept and adapt and be able to convey his amazing intelligence and awesome personality in a manner that others will see- other than me. Or will people always, always see the odd one; the behavior problem; the socially inept one; the screamer; the crier; the rough child?

"Don't worry," I hear. "We all have scars. That's what life is about. Just try to choose the best scars you can and keep them to a minimum. That's your job as a mom. God will help him- He'll make a round space in this square world for him."

Oh....ok.

There is a pin prick of light in my midnight box.
I look towards it, walk, and hope.

THANK YOU

dragon sighting

I saw my dragon.

I say "my" dragon, because that's what he told me he was....mine.

It was late and very dark outside. On my way home, I saw something out of my windshield. It caught my eye....well, wouldn't something that was big and moving quickly...up in the air?! catch your attention too? It was way too low to be a plane or any other aircraft. Hmmm...

Clearly it was too late.
And clearly, I should be in bed.
At least, that's what I thought, as I turned the car into my subdivision.

I enjoyed a deep, relaxing sigh as I turned off the car. Life has changed so much in the last month. I am trying to be cool and roll with the punches; I mean, clearly, God is still in control. That's my mantra during sighs like that one- anyway. I was trying to keep that in mind as I got out of the car and was dealt the craziest hand yet-

I just closed the door and glanced towards the end of the driveway- and he deftly lighted where tarmac meets cement. An ugly thing, if you ask my opinion. And mammoth. He has dark, midnight scales that cover his entire body; though, at times, there is a iridescent violet sheen that glistens when he moves the right way. His eyes are African Turquoise green. Yes, yes- he breathes fire; but only on special occasions- so he tells me. You would know that he breathes fire because of the smell- not sulfur, but charcoal; as if an amazing grill feast is about to happen, but the meat is missing. He doesn't have any horns, but an amazing set of wings and a very, very long tail. So, for the most part, he is very smooth and sleek; but there is definitely something ugly about it- just hard to put your finger on. And those teeth...

He sat and gazed at me intently.
I am not completely unfamiliar with creatures like dragons. I am a serious sci-fi/fantasy fan. But, even a fan like me, has a hard time accepting the hoped for and believed in and dreamed of- come to life and sitting on my property. His gaze wasn't malicious- at least, I didn't think I was on his late night menu; but it was curious, critical, cynical- and in a moment, I felt deflated.

"Hello?"

"Hello."

"Who are you?"

"I am your dragon."

Clearly, not one of many words, I thought; and he certainly wasn't very forthcoming.

"I have a dragon?! You're MY dragon? I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Well, I am your dragon now. And there is certainly no need to apologize; although you my feel like it before our time together is done."

"Why are you here? Not trying to be rude, you see. Looks like you could eat me in one bite. Why are you here now? I am not sure that I quite understand. I thought dragons, no offense, were mythical...fiction."

"No offense taken. I can't promise not to eat you. You look like you would be a tasty lunch. But I am getting off track...I am here because you are finally doing what you love. And you can't expect to have an easy go of it. You can't expect everyone to understand. You can't expect everyone to accept. I am here, and I will be around to remind you of that fact."

"Oh."

"Don't look so somber; or do. Surely you knew what you were getting into? No? Well, here I am. I can see that we'll have to take things slowly; but prepare yourself for the worst. That way the reality will be pleasant in comparison. That is your first lesson. One of the milder ones at that."

"Please, don't be offended by this question....but, is there any way to be rid of you?"

"Stop writing."

"Oh."
This was certainly an interesting development. He was right, though. And I knew it. But I guess I know it in a whole new way, now. But stop writing? When I am finally pursuing it seriously? When I have an amazing support group keeping me accountable and cheering me on? I sighed.

"Would you like to come in?"

"No. I won't be with you all the time. Just sometimes. When things seem to be going exceptionally well, I will turn up to remind you. When you are discouraged, I will pop in to make you feel worse. You will see me in comments that suggest the reader completely missed the boat; you will see me when readers reject your words. Believe me, you won't want me around all the time. You will be sick of me as it is."

And with that he was gone.
My dark friend.
MY dragon.
A very real thing.

the other kids

There are these kids that I want to play with-
I know some of them. They like me. And know that I would be a great addition to their group. Sometimes, I know that I would be a great addition to their group; and then other times, I am second guessing myself.

The ones that know me are cheering me on- "Come and play! You'll be great! We'll be so happy to have you on our team!" But I have to convince the whole group- the vote has to be unanimous.

There are code words that I have to learn.
Sometimes, there are costumes to wear.
There are certain ways to do certain things at certain times.

Funny that I want to join them....with all those rules.

But with the rules and secret codes comes a whole new part of the playground.
I am tired of the same old monkey bars. I am ready to climb up the steps, so that I can go down that amazing twisty slide.

good bye, my dear

There she stands- an amazing thing to behold.

She is tall and slender with perfect hair that used to be shiny blonde, but has now dulled into a respectable golden brown (which of course she gets touched up every 3 weeks). It is always styled in accordance to her outfit. She never looks out of place no matter what social setting she attends. She always belongs. And no one ever questions that...or her.

Her outfit is always in good taste- she never steps out of line with fashion, but always keeps to the modest side, so that no one could ever make a distasteful comment about her clothing choices. She tends to be pretty classic and classy- with everything.

First to be picked or wanted- she is kind and gracious and funny. And talented. Everything she touches glistens because she has touched it. Everyone she meets suffers from just a touch of envy. Though she would never make these distinctions about herself- not aloud, anyway.

See how she stands there. She almost looks humble.
She is very proud of being humble.

Beside her stands a dastardly handsome man- beautiful and rough all at the same time. A man who can be her match in graciousness, but can also swing an axe with amazing agility. Savvy in business and brilliant about anything, he somehow manages to make anyone, from any walk of life feel almost comfortable. They are partners for life. Each always happy with the other. Sure, an argument here or there; but they never last long and there is always a satisfactory make-up session.

On her other side stand 4 children- all beautiful, well-mannered, well-behaved, perfectly dressed. All, except the 3 year old, at the top of their class. It is befuddling how that 3 year old stands so still and still looks so happy.

You wonder how she does it.

I've wondered for a long time.
I am tired of wondering.
And I am tired of her.

She has looked over at me before and asked, "Jenny, really?! We are still waiting for you to join us." She said this graciously, but with a measured amount of impatience lacing her voice. She waits there with her resplendent family, presenting the final product, but not the way to obtain it.

They stand in front of the sanctuary of my church- the model family.
The air is rank with approval. I am heady with the scent and tears leak out of my eyes, because I want-

I want

but I don't know how.
And I am tired of trying to figure it out.
And I am tired of wanting.
Of wanting approval - of wanting to measure up - wanting to be apart of
instead, I am and have been apart
and I am tired of working against that. And so,

"Good bye, My Dear. You can't be my standard, because I will then always, always be substandard. I can't let you...NO, stop! Stop looking at me with those beautifully blue, doleful eyes!"

"But, Jenny..."

"But, Jenny, nothing. I reject you. I reject your friendship. Your way of living isn't the only valid existence. I condemn your superiority. I will forge new friendships: ones that allow me to be me- beautiful, crazy me. The beautiful crazy me with the crazy, dysfunctional family."

"But Jenny, I love you."

"No. No, you don't. You love the thought of me; the thought of molding me into you. Because you think you're right, and I'm wrong. You think you're proper and I'm dangerous. I no longer accept these words as true. Live in your pretty world, darling. We'll get to the same place; and there, it won't matter who was right or wrong. Who was pretty, proper and classy; and who was crazy and beautiful. There we'll both be able to focus on more important things."

I'm Yours

I was starting a new day.
I was tired. Had a to-do list a mile long.
I was in the gym- trying to bust my butt.
Clearly, wasn't really "feelin'" it today.

And then I heard you.
Your flaming yuke and your dulcet tones...
sigh.

I couldn't control the grin that spread like wildfire across my face. And suddenly, I was happy.

BRING ON THE DAY!

"I reckon it's again my turn
To win some, learn some
But I won't hesitate- no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm Yours...
Listen to the music of the moment
People, dance and sing
We're just one big family-
And it's our God intended right to be loved...
There's no need to complicate, out time is short
This is our fate, I'm Yours"

from "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz

a beautiful mess...

Far far, there's this little girl
She was praying for something to happen to her
Everyday she writes words and more words
Just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside
And she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
Take her, cover her, they are all over
The reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside

Far far, there's this little girl
She was praying for something good to happen to her
From time to time there are colors and shapes
Dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands
They invent her a new world with
Oil skies and aquarelle rivers
But don't you run away already
Please don't go

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
How an you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
Take a deep breath and dive
There's a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess
Beautiful mess inside

Far far there's this little girl
She was praying for something big to happen to her
Every night she ears beautiful strange music
It's everywhere there's nowhere to hide
But if it fades she begs
"Oh Lord, don't take it from me, don't take it yourselves"

I guess I'll have to give it birth, to give it birth
I guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth
I guess i have to, have to give it birth
There's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere

So shake it yourself now deep inside
Deeper than you ever dared
Deeper than you ever dared
There's a beautiful mess inside
Beautiful mess inside

Far, Far by YAEL NAIM

This is an amazing song by Yael Naim. And if you don't know who I am talking about then for goodness sake, please google her. Listen to this song- it is AMAZING. It is also one of my theme songs. I will have to do a top 10 on that sometime.

Every time I hear this song, I am that girl.
I listen to those words- they tumble inside at all times. So many, I can't always get them out. Those dreams do make me strong; but when I don't believe, when I can't believe, they die- and part of me dies with them....every time. The colors call to me and make my life happier. When I focus on the colors- I feel dazzling....I am dazzling. I dazzle. And the music...it is truly a transporting power. Terrible and heart-wrenching and too sweet to let go. I never want to let go of the music....do you?

And I do pray. For something. For something good. For something BIG.

It is a beautiful mess inside.
I am the beautiful mess.
And the only way to know more, to be more-
Dive in.
Deeper than I've dared.

after 10 years...

What do you say when you reconnect with a lover from 10 years ago?

I love you!
Yes, you broke my heart.
But I respect you- much more than others who have.
You are now my standard- and so many fall short.

I look back with fondness.
My memories are mostly sweet.
We were both growing- it's ok.
Kids do that kind of thing.

Take care!
Enjoy your family~
Be my friend when you can.
I'll be here if you need me.

still alive...and thriving

One of the best things about not being currently employed is that I can put most of my effort into housework- that has been sadly neglected for the last two years. There are so many projects that have been started, but never finished. Here is my chance to jump on it.

One of my tasks this week was to clean out the fish tank. I promise you the gunk hasn't been building for two years (we only got it for Christmas, after all), but it was pretty bad! Bad enough that one of the fish actually died because the water was so dirty....yea, I know that's gross...and one was on his last legs....um, fins. (All of these fish are male, I just know it.)

So, scooped those guys...four in total, and left them in a pitcher on the kitchen counter. One, the one that was hanging on by his last fin, died almost immediately from the shock. Kept the two dead guys together- in a container headed for the "big flush". So, there are 3 fish in the pitcher. One was definitely moving slower. It was the white one who has a big orange spot on his head. I figured that one wouldn't be able to handle the shock of clean water, but I was going to wait and see- no need to flush him prematurely.

Then I had a mental/moral battle. I didn't want to clean this fish tank. I can't begin to tell you the amount of algae and nastiness that.....okay, I just can't. It was nasty- trust me. I wanted to chunk the whole thing in the trash bin; they would pick it up on Thursday and viola- OUT OF MY LIFE.

I was the "best mom ever" this Christmas when I bought the fish tank for Rand; but I am the only one that feels responsible for upkeep. Which can be a yucky job, especially when you don't keep up with it.

So, I have been waiting for these fish to die. Goldies aren't suppose to last too long. Well, I was staring at a pitcher with 2 and 1/2 lives ones (remember, SPOT wasn't looking so well)...and thinking, whether or not I wanted to engage in the upkeep of their habitat, they were apart of my family and I felt responsible for them. So, no continuous pitcher life for them, no flush-of-death. I buckled down and started scrubbing........and the phone rang.

I went upstairs and talked to a friend.
Not even thinking about the chaos happening below.
Completely oblivious to the fiendish plans of fish.

I was on the phone for a while-
Decided it was time to get back to my awful job- enough procrastination.
Go to check on the fish first, especially on SPOT since he was a little sluggish last I saw him.

And what do I find?
SPOT IS ON THE COUNTER IN A POOL OF WATER- COMPLETELY STILL!
I was furious with him!

Couldn't he have done it earlier so that I could have flushed him with the two others? How did Mr. Sluggish jump out of the pitcher? How long had he been on the counter? Eww, now I have to pick him up?!

So, I decided to wedge him between a knife (NOT the sharp end) and the fish net; and believe it or not, SPOT started thrashing around! Like I called out "CLEAR!" Well, instead of heading to the toilet, I dumped him back into the pitcher with his last two friends. And kept an eye on him all morning. The water seemed to revive him.

I figured that being reinstated into the fish tank, which was now very much cleaner, was going to be too much of a shock. That if he didn't die instantly, he was going to be dead the next morning......no such luck.

This is one stubborn fish with a wild streak and an intense will to live.

I could learn a thing or two from him.

are you in church?

It happened again today.
I was talking to someone I haven't spoken to in a long time, and the question came up,"Jenny, are you in church?"

I can't begin to tell you the amount of people that have asked me whether I was in church...or admonish me that I really should be in church.
And I can't begin to tell you how tired I am of this question!

NO (for the sake of you reading who don't know that answer), I am not in church.
And have many reasons as to why I am currently not attending church.
And I know that I should be in church- I did grow up in church, after all. But that's not the point I am arguing.

Why doesn't anyone ask me, "Jenny, how is your relationship with God?" OR "Jenny, what is God teaching you?" Either of these questions would be more interesting and CERTAINLY more challenging.

1. Could it be that no one questions my "David-like" walk with God, and are therefore harping on the only travesty?
2. Maybe my behavior is so un-God-like that all people can think is, "Dear Jesus, that woman needs to get back in church. That's the only place that's gonna help her!"
3. Or are people afraid to ask a question with meat? A direct, "where are you with God," would stop anyone in their tracks, and focus on matters of the heart and soul.

I just find it interesting how people handle me.
Is it their intention to probe me gently, thereby asking a less intrusive question? And when they hear the answer, offering me the easy catechism- forsake not the fellowship of other believers.

Or are they afraid of what they are gonna get when they ask me the infinitely more important question? And so, don't even bother; their excuses being: too much effort, too much time, too much Jenny, or sadly, not really interested.

sound of music

"Listen to the music of the moment, people, dance and sing..." MRAZ

I heard it today.
If you pay attention, you can hear it too.
It follows us- no matter what we are doing, no matter where we are in life-

our soundtrack.

There is music all the time.
Dance to it; sing out loud!
Cry when it stirs your emotions.
Enjoy the edge when it twists your insides out.

The birds caw and the crickets churp.
Your best friend laughs.
Your child cries at your departure....and return.
Your lover blows you a kiss.

So much to listen to- so much to enjoy.
Sing and dance, people. Make the most of the sounds that make up your life's music.

I've had enough, people...

There are things about myself that I have always hoped that I would grow out of. That growing up, growing older would make them magically go away.

But there is one thing about myself that I detest and isn't going away by itself.
The fact that I allow myself to be walked over, that I accept the victim's plight.
Someone will just push me down, and instead of standing back up to push back- I'll stay on the ground until they walk away; and mumble/grumble under my breath about how frustrated I am. How much my feelings are hurt. How I hope that one day I will change. I swallow the crap, and try to move along; hoping that I am the better person for it- instead of feeling like I am a spineless dope.

But, I am learning, that this isn't one of those changes that happen by itself by just getting older. It is a personality flaw that will take a rehaul of self to implement change.

And it is gonna be a struggle.
It is so ingrained in my personality-
WHY, YOU ASK?
Good question: I don't know.

1. I would like to blame it on my parents. I had a wicked attitude growing up. I would fight back, mouth off, in a heartbeat to defend my position. Clearly that wasn't acceptable and was punished. But never do I remember hearing that sometimes, defending your position against authority or standing up for youself is a good thing. I don't really remember hearing that offering a difference of opinions with respectful grace would have been another option. That pushing back isn't always bad- it just oftens depends on how you push.

2. I would like to blame it on church catechism. In my training, it was acceptable to fight for God's principles and in support/defense of the victim- there isn't really much for standing up for youself. But there certainly is a lot of turning the other cheek. For the sake of promoting peace, let others have their way within reason. Message: stand up for your morals, but not really if you're trying to be selfish.

3. I would like to blame it on the way I grew up. I must not have gotten the same vitamins as most other people in my generation, who seem to have NO PROBLEM standing up and fighting for what they want. I don't think I was told- the world is your, go conquer it. The message (whether it was verbal or just a way of life) was a timid one: step at a time, see if you can do it, wait for others to make room for you, don't cause waves, if something doesn't work out- accept something LESS.
ACCEPT SOMETHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU WANT AND MAKE DUE WITH IT.

I haven't had too hard of a time. Most people like me because I have an effervescent ethusiasm- there's is in low supply and they crave it. If you're liked, you live a fairly pleasent experience. But am I liked because that is truly who I am? Or is it that I have learned to be that way so it is easier, more pleasant to get things that I want. And let's not even talk about being challenged...I got pushed and I stayed down, deferring to the tougher character. And so, less confrontation = happy life.

I do have to admit: I fought/fight for the big things- lovers, college, friends, my son. But on a daily basis? For myself? Not really...
And now, it has to stop.

And today, I started.
Was in a situation and got slammed. I was furious, but about to swallow it and move on. Decided this was a good day to make a change. Approached the sitaution from a different angle- one in which I felt more comfortable and confident. Stated my expectations more firmly. Offered other options. Didn't get a definite affirmative right away, but definitely got my opinion heard and acknowledged; and the day turned out the better for it.

So, why am I the way I am?
I still don't really know.
But I know it needs to change.
And it will- slowly.
I have 27 years of bad behavior to overcome.
And I will...

hot pink

I bought a half trench yesterday.
It is well cut and suits me fine.
It was even on sale- marked down and then 50% off.

It is HOT PINK, and I mean FLAMING HOT PINK.

AS the weather turns colder, challenge me to wear my trench. I might chicken out.
Yes, it is that bright.

something good

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Have you seen Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?
There is this moment towards the end of the movie when Indiana must take a step of faith onto the invisible bridge. His father is dying and he needs the Holy Grail filled with the water of life to save him. So, he is scared to death to step out, because there is a deep, cavernous fall; but he is as scared not to act for fear of losing his father.

Have you read the Gospels in the New Testament?
There is this story about Jesus and the disciples. They were floating on the Sea of Galilee. Peter is in the boat, looks out towards the water, and sees Jesus walking on the water. Peter wants to follow and calls out to Jesus, "let me follow you." And Jesus says,"Come." And Peter steps out of the boat and starts walking on the water towards Jesus! He gets scared, starts sinking; and Jesus picks him back up.

And here the twain shall meet.
Just call me IndyPete.

As of this moment, I am out on that invisible bridge; I am out on the sea, and those waves are CHOPPY! I want to trust in the path, but I am afraid that the next step, the unknown path, won't be releaved in time. I am afraid to fall; to sink; to drown.

I have faith- enough to ask for more.
I have taken some steps- enough to know that the next ones have been revealed.

But with every single step, the pressure mounts; and there is more at risk.
There is so much at stake.

Do I cross the "invisible" bridge, get to the other side, find the Holy Grail?

Can I ignore the CHOPPY waves and look towards Jesus with never failing eyes?


I would love to tell you that I was confident enough in myself, in my faith that I was doing the cha-cha across the bridge; and salsa dancing with Jesus through those choppy waves. But I am not.
These are timid times.
I am unsure of so many things.
Confidence is slow in returning; and direction is non-existent- it seems.

So, call me IndyPete.
And pray for my feet.

top ten

Foreword: Jesus, salvation, grace, church, God, the cross, and anything else having to do with my faith will NOT be on this list. Like air or gravity: it should be a given that these things (that Jesus) would be on my list. That, like air, without Jesus there would be no list. And so, be at ease, if I were doing THAT kind of list- Jesus would certainly be #1. But He will not appear on my frivolous, secular MUST HAVES...(at least, not tonight)

10. Crayola: crayons, markers, colored pencils....it doesn't matter. I love the colors. I crave the colors. The reality that there are so many makes me happy.

9. Cookies: But not just ANY cookies- warm, fresh, out-of-the-oven cookies. Preferably chocolate chip!

8. Cool, cloudy days: A guy that I went out with in college told me that he loved cloudy days. That, in fact, he preferred them to sunny days. I didn't understand what he meant then. I thought he was crazy. But now- I know EXACTLY what he means.

7. Crocs: There is certainly nothing pretty about these shoes, but I am all about comfort over fashion. My favs are the Beach or Mary Jane styles. Any color will do!!

6. Escape Pod / Podcastle: Which are sci-fi and fantasy podcasts respectively. Talk about a boost to my imagination~ it is so much fun to have a story read to you and the voices filled in. It is so amazing how many different stories are out there waiting to be told.

5. the first step to a new journey: I have been doing this one A LOT this year. There is so much anticipation and HOPE in that first step. That feeling, that rush in itself can be intoxicating. It can be a literal journey: like going to ATL with Kevin or NYC with Mom. OR it can be figurative journey: facing my weight problem and doing something about it, confronting an old lover and finding out what went wrong, submitting a 2 weeks notice without another job to go to...

4. Dave Matthews: or more acurate pleasure-gasms from listening to Dave. (Pleasure-gasm being similar to orgasm in that there is an all-over flush of pleasure in the moment of immersion into something- just not into THAT something). Dave and I go back a long way. I think he was my first, independent musical love (independent, meaning that at the time I was introduced to Dave, there wasn't anyone else in my life that was influencing me to listen to him.) Dave, Tim, and the band do something for me that no one else can accomplish. The lyrics...the music...the jams sessions...the live performances....(sigh). Just awesome. Significant Dave moments are scattered throughout my life. Dave provides a soundtrack for so many dear memories. Will never get enough. Will always wonder at the freedom in Dave's voice. Will always feel amazed at Tim's ability to pull sounds from his guitar. Will always miss LeRoi.

3. gal pals: not just any gal pals (although I am not trying to belittle any of them!) I am speaking particularly of the kind of gal pals that love you even though you are losing a fight with Coconut Oil Hair Conditioner. The kind of gal pals that you can pig out with...the kind that challenge you to reach for more, to never settle for what you have, who love you even when you are a fashion disaster, who get tattoos with you, who encourage you to create, who aren't scared of your creations- you get the idea.

2. Jason Mraz: And I mean all things Jason- his music, his videos, blogs, pictures, his ideas, his lifestyle, his home, his lyrics. I aspire to his level of word play. I envy his avacado farm. I sing harmony with him on almost every song: to the tormented ears of all people, especially people at work. His writing is amazing. I hope to be that adept one day. I hope to see him in person one day...

1. chapstick: moist lips are important. Cracked lips, dry lips, flaking lips are BAD! Chapstick = moist lips = kissable lips = kisses = long kisses = long, wet kisses (which would be the next number on the list, but sadly, I have run out...)

flowers from my girlfriend

So, there's this girl.
I met her at work.
And we fell in love discussing the similarities between egg rolls and empanadas. There was this amazing moment of spark. Nothing was ever actually said- it was just a moment that passed when we both knew that we were completely interested in each other. And after that moment, we couldn't get enough of each other's opinion. We decided to take this interest outside of work; and had lunch. I dressed up. I knew she would notice. She did. We talked- and found out that we had NOTHING in common. And yet, that didn't seem to lessen the interest. She paid. I felt like we were on a date. It felt weird. She asked me, "what is a girl like you doing in a life like yours?" I wondered the same thing.

And then, things turned.
She became obsessive. There was this continual "things left unsaid" feeling about our conversations. She started to visit my work area several times a night. I was frustrated. I lashed out, "I can't talk. I am here to work." She backed off. We didn't talk. We broke up. Our "out for ice cream" outing was rain checked. I felt bad. I asked myself how old I was and why I didn't have more social grace to handle the situation more smoothly.

I put in my 2 weeks notice. She found out.
She started reaching out again. Sending me notes: U LOOK GOOD 2DAY.
The day before my last, an amazing boquet of flowers was delivered to my office. No name on the card. I felt like I was living in the movie, Bed of Roses. I called the flower shop to find out who paid the bill. No luck- got a machine. Life in the movies is always easier. As soon as I realized there wasn't a name, I knew who they were from. I wasn't the only one who thought so. She came in to admire them. I cornered her. She confessed. I challenged her not to be ashamed or underhanded about such an amazing gift. She said, "The galaxy that lives inside your eyes was in need of a brand new shining light." I melted.

I don't know where I go from here.
But I can't help but be flattered. It is nice to feel pursued, so wanted.
It is amazing that someone else thinks I am special and wants to make sure that I feel that way. And goes out of her way to make me feel that way.
Now, if only she could say that aloud, so that I could properly reject such an admission or invitation.

I am keeping the flowers. They are amazing; and I LOVE fresh cut flowers.
Maybe Katy Perry isn't so crazy after all.

Three Queens and their Poison Apple

Three beautiful queens went to get decorated.
They went to a palor named Poison Apple.
Didn't they read Snow White?

Things I learned today:
1. Take the time to research myspace.
2. Coconut oil and my hair don't agree with each other; and coconut oil ALWAYS will win.
3. I don't like "west coast" style script.
4. Tattoos DO hurt.
5. I have ink lust.
6. There is nothing better than filling a hard core tattoo parlor with the sound of three queens giggling.
7. I really wanted a piercing.

Imaging Specialist

People are sad that I am leaving the Mailouts area of the Records Dept. My question is- Did they expect me to be professionally satisfied with standing in front of a xerox machine for 8+ hours every night forever?

I hope not.

So, this shouldn't be a surprise.

NEED TO START

There is this burning within me to get words out onto the page. I get it every now and then- sometimes I respond to the pain and sometimes, I ignore it.

This time, I plan to do something about it- hence the blog.

Wanted to get beyond the social networks. That way, in case any of my words seem inappropriate, it won't be posted as a news feed.

You have to seek this out- and in doing so, face the consequences of what I may have written.

Hope you enjoy.
And if you don't, hope I get you thinking.