"If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." MRAZ

Monday, March 9, 2009

my sensory-wise son

-excerpt taken from my journal: entry dated Thursday, March 5 2009 sometime mid-morning

And so, it is a new day.
Rand and I are at the playground. I wonder...
Here at the playground Rand gets to work on his gross motor skills and need for boyish expression-aggression release; but I wonder how he handles the wind. It is really windy, consistently windy here; and I know he notices it. I wonder how it affects him sensory-wise. I feel it on my skin, in my hair; I hear it in my ears. I wonder how Rand processes all these things. Does it has the possibility of being an overwhelming thing or will it serve to build up a kind of sensory immune system? Will he learn to cope well with all that surrounds us?

For that matter too, we are right beside I35, a major roadway through this area. From this distance, you can hear the constant roar of the cars on the tarmac. It is not unlike a vacuum cleaner or hair dryer. But Rand seems unfazed. I wonder if this will serve to wear down his fear of other noise-makers or will he keep grudges against certain ones?

I was in church this Sunday...

and I can't tell you how long it has been since that has been the case. I actually went to Sunday School (which they call LifeGroups) and Service.

I appreciated the loving nature of the people around me. I enjoyed the lessons. I heard and felt the music. But I couldn't help but on some level feel like a hypocrite. There are so many questions that I have, and so much faith that I lack: I can still speak Christianese with the best of them, but I am not completely sure I believe it as it is coming from my own mouth.

But it is so easy for me to do it. And I wonder, how much of my heart is really my own; and how much of it is God's, whether I like it or not?

And I think, for a moment, I could have been really happy: if I had let myself.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Bible Study thoughts

I went to Bible Study for the first time in a long time, and there were two thoughts thrown out by my fellow students that made me think a bit. I want to share them with you.

1. It doesn't take faith to believe in God; but it does take faith to believe in Jesus.

2. Space was created as an example of God's vastness.
We explore space only to find more.
We explore God only to find that there is more than we can ever know.

Just some interesting opinions that peaked my interest.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

leaving the colors behind

I’ve abandoned the colors.
It was a conscious choice. They were there for the taking. And I love the colors! It would take no convincing to keep them close. In fact, it took a serious amount of convincing , a hard “talking to,” to leave them. Why does it matter?

Because the colors are easy. I don’t have to think when I play with the colors. They talk to me and make their own way. All I have to do is listen and play along. I love the colors.

But I came here to write. And so, in this case, the colors would end up being a distraction; an “easy out” so to speak. I love the words, but I have to think to use them. It takes time and energy: brain power. I love it; but it isn’t play- it is work. And most of the time, I don’t want to work.