"If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." MRAZ

Saturday, December 12, 2009

1999 cab

So, I cracked open a 1999 Cab Sauv this evening to share with a girlfriend of mine. She came over for some girl time, and I decided it was a good moment to celebrate making it through the week. It was a tough week- I've taking out some major giants...and I am glad to say that I survived.

And, I've kinda been saving that bottle for something special. Not that I haven't tried to open it in the past...I've actually planned on opening it several times, but never actually did. I think tonight was the best night! Making it through life until this absolute moment is worth celebrating! And being able to share it with a good friend- even better.

I remember getting that bottle:

It was 2002- my Senior year at UNC. I was living alone in an apartment complex in Carrboro, and had invited some people over for a dinner party. This bottle of wine was a gift from one of the guests. We had some different options that night, so this particular bottle never got opened. And has been on different shelves in different houses waiting to be opened....

...until tonight.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


Funny enough, the audience is there...listening.
So, I just have to say something.

Why does anyone think I have something to say- isn't that really the funny thing?

Sadly, it is because I've said I do (have something to say) maybe that suggests that I am the funny component to this situation.


Monday, November 30, 2009

your fire feeds mine

I just wanted to tell you that the acknowledgment of your fire has since rekindled mine- (And not that mine was dying when we talked of heat and fire. It was a consistent burn; and one that was on the rise- though, I've admitted that your influence has been something like oil added to the flame.)

Your fire- the fact that it exists, the fact that it burns, the fact that I see it, the fact that you share it with me- encourages mine to burn even brighter.

Almost as if there is some unspoken friendly rivalry afoot.
"Well, that was nice; but let's see what I can do!"
"Ha! Top that!"

And we do-
And the light burns brighter.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

maybe we should tell each other more often

I had a friend tell me that he was proud of me-

(Keep in mind, this is someone I really respect. I am impressed with his overall decisions and his impact in his sphere of others. I guess you could say that I look up to him- maybe, I acknowledge him as a mutual force for good in the world? Not sure, what the right details are, but just so you know, it isn't "just anyone" saying that they are proud of me.)

Anyway, I was stunned- in a good way. It isn't every day that someone says that they are proud of you. And maybe that is something that should change...
How does it make you feel when someone says, "I am proud of you!" It makes me feel good; other emotions that flood my being: pleased embarrassment, desire to continue the behavior, sense of accomplishment, determination, validation.

These are emotions that everyone should experience- the more consistent the better. Not so we get numb to the impact of those emotions, but so that we feel the constant reminder of our validation for our impacts in this world.

A couple of things that come to mind:

1. Each one of us should behave in ways that would make the people we respect proud. Whether we hear those words or not (I'm proud of you), let's aspire to achieve those opinions.

2. If you've got a friend who you love and respect; and you see and understand and feel their impact in the world- tell them that you are proud of them! Sure, it may feel a little awkward coming out of your mouth- usually those words are reserved for elders passing that along to the youngers...but it is time we give each other a little credit for the good we are trying to get done.

Just my opinion.
I am glad that someone- a peer- is proud of me.
It makes me feel good!
And I am jazzed to know that I am noticed; and I am gonna keep truckin' along.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

keep on dreaming

He keeps telling me, "Keep dreaming even if it breaks your heart."

And I just want to know- as I continue to dream and hope and wish for the best; and when my heart breaks over and over again because of failure or rejection or exhaustion- will he be the one to hold me and comfort me as well. Will he take the time to tell me, "It's going to be okay; and you will have the strength to continue the dreaming!"

Just wondering.

Even If It Breaks Your Heart- Will Hoge

Saturday, August 29, 2009

160 characters

I've recently updated my wireless phone account to include unlimited texting. I am in love with this feature. Before, when texts were 10 or 20 cents a piece, I was (understandably) fairly stingy with how many I sent and received- and saved such an expense for only certain occasions. Now, I will send/receive a text for any reason. In fact, I have come to prefer this method of communication for quick send/response information. No need to hear someone's voice, when you just want their answer. Short and sweet-


: )


30 min

And I have 160 characters to use- seems like a lot for the mode of communication. Who needs that many spaces to fill with information? Well, I've learned that sometimes there is an art to the text style of communication. Sometimes, there is a lot you want to say. Sometimes, you have to send many texts to get your point across...

But what if you want to send one text- just one. So that it will be explanatory, but poignant? I want to get my heart across, but not let it go on and on (which I am sometimes prone to do). I am learning there is a method of editing. There is a whole system of grammar and spelling that specifically deals with the method of sending texts...

Most of the world already knows this, but since I am coming out of my archaic wireless phone world- it's all been greek to me. And totally against the grain of my English training (okay, okay- I know I can't really claim that on the spelling part; but I do try on a general basis to spell correctly).

So, 160 characters.
Sometimes, it is an ocean of availability.
And sometimes, I am wondering why I even bother to text; I might as well send an email- or make the call.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

my crush

So, I thought I would go ahead and confess a serious crush-
and it isn't so much a crush now as it is a curious attraction...

I can't tell you the first time I saw the movie, but I do know that I was fairly young; and I do remember that I loved it. Have you seen it: The Labyrinth. I liked it so much that I would ask for it again and again when it was my turn to rent something from the movie store- my mom hated the fact that I loved it so much, and that I ALWAYS wanted to watch it.

You guys are gonna crack up (I can't believe that I am confessing this):
When I was little I had the biggest crush on the Goblin King, played by David Bowie. There was something about him that I liked; and now that I am older, I wonder what it was....could it have been David Bowie's voice (which I've carried preference for ever since), his hair style, his distinct makeup, his oh-so-fashionable costumes?

Now I think my attraction stems from a curious fascination of the character: he has an awe-ful, evil confidence that only seems to be fragmented by the young girl's defiance. Maybe I love:
1. the fact that he isn't omnipotent, that even with all his power, he can't control her
2. that he gives her the choice at the end
3. that she has the ability to make him feel vulnerable by just being who she is, and I like seeing a powerful man deal with his vulnerability


I can tell you my favorite part of the movie- it remains a constant, no matter how old I am: the ball. And maybe that's the romantic in me, the girly-girl who can't help but fall all over a big party and a great dance. I love everything about the ball (well, except the end):
1. the costumes: I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful. I remember wanting to look just like her when I grew up and got married.
2. the decorations
3. the colors
4. the music: that remains one of my favorite songs to this day; a sense of the romantic washes over me and I feel like I am caught in the trance as well, and all I need is someone to dance with me
5. the way he eludes her, the way he watches her as she looks for him
6. their dance
7. and definitely the way she looks at him while they dance (and the way he looks at her): I have always wanted to be Sarah at that moment, and get my chance to dance with the Goblin King

Now that I've shared this deep-dark secret, I am going to leave you with the lyrics:
"As the World Falls Down" - David Bowie
As such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But Ill be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But Ill be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down

As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling in love

Friday, July 10, 2009

holding my own

I'm a fairly confident person; and if I am in a situation that overwhelms me, I bluff my way through it. If there's anything that I've had practice in- it's bluffing my way through life; that's a natural consequence of people thinking you are older than you really are, and having a smile that tends to disarm and distract people.

I can also- for the most part- size people up; a consequence of growing up in a single mom home. She wanted to make sure her little girl was aware of the people around her (particularly the men), so that nothing would happen without my being prepared for it. So, at this point, I consider myself a vibe reader. I feel people out, so that I know how to act (or protect myself); and for the most part, I tend to be right. Not all the time, but enough.

And so, I know if I can hold my own with someone or not.
Since I tend to be a force of nature with my emotions, if I am not careful I can easily overwhelm and bombard people- oh, yea, I can hold my own with most.

And then there are a few where our abilities are matched; and it is a give and take. Sometimes they win, and sometimes I win. And we mutually respect each other's presence and effect.

And then there are the select few- I can bluff all I want to; and I may just barely convince them with my disarming charm that I can hold my own with them, but I know that they've got me. I'm just playing along and hoping that I can keep my wits about me, and that I am catching them at a weak moment.


You want to talk about complete trust?

Put your words out there for review....
It is a state of vulnerability unparalleled.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Ah, it burns my soul.
The wondering- the worrying that comes with the wondering. I would love to belittle it into concern or distraction; but if I were being truly honest- and I am- full-fledged, dirty-ugly worry accompanies wonder in my brain...not all the time, but most of the time.

As much as I like to have fun- and I do have it; I live, breath, eat, sleep, etc...responsibility. I always resort to the baseline, consider the consequences, squelch the fun before it gets out of control- always.

(well, almost always)

And so, in moments outside of the always; in moments when I consider being rash and adventurous without first considering all the consequences, the wonder plagues me. It's automatic- I've tried to delete that part of my programming, but no luck (anyone want to help me with that?). I move forward and do my best to ignore the whoosh of my mind as it races to present end-results, all kinds of them, waving frantically at me to get my attention as I try to walk on. It is a very annoying characteristic.

I suppose for those who always want to make a good decision every single time, this would be a fairly fabulous thing; but I've come to accept that right decisions aren't always the good ones (afterall, good is a relative thing), and so I am mostly annoyed that my few times of spontaneous fun are ill with the wondering, with the curiosity of what will then happen next...


Somehow, my 16 year old self resurfaced this weekend- not completely, but enough to be shocking on the alternate parallel universe scale. I didn't really expect to see her- not this weekend, not ever. I can read her memories in the journals she left behind, but other than that....

She was actually here. I heard her giggle, laugh out loud, say silly things; I felt her move and shake her groove; I felt her survey my 28 year old existence with that light in her eyes- the light that exists for 16 year olds full of hope and ambition. She wasn't necessary negative with her opinions on my life, just surprised- she didn't expect this (I tried to tell her that I didn't either).

And then she asked me what I was going to do about it.

I tried to explain that real life wasn't the way she thought it was going to be; that decisions were harder to make and follow through then it appeared they would be; that disappointment and let downs were hard to shake off; that responsibility always wins out and is heavier than expected; that changing one's mind was sometimes practically impossible-

"Why?" she asked.

I thought for a minute- Good question, I surrendered.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

spelling vs. emotions

My spelling sucks- there is just no other way to say it. Everyone- including me- is baffled by the fact that I am an English major, that I love language, that I practice writing- AND THAT I CAN'T SPELL to save my life.

Well, I've been learning (and have had a recent lesson thanks to an emotional email) that my spelling gets even worse when I'm writing in passion. The typos are unreal- basic spelling errors and absolutely inappropriate word choices....

really, it is embarrassing.
(head hung, she emits a deep sigh.)

And when my emails need to be impressive and witty and awesome-
all I get is misspellings flowing from my fingertips.

my new job

I've reach professional nirvana.
It is amazing.

A friend of mine from middle school messaged me while I was still in Oklahoma to tell me that her husband (who was also a good friend back in the day) needed some help with his current business projects. She said, "It sounds like you are headed back and in need of a job; if you are interested, this opportunity is available."

Needless to say, I was thrilled by the idea. The opportunity to add structure and organization to a computer based company hit all the right interest buttons for me.

And so, here I am- Administrative Support for WebSpark Design, L.L.C. I've been wearing a lot of hats, balancing my natural skills and talents, challenging myself to learn more ASAP (so that I can keep up with my boss). And I love it! I've finally found a professional that I hope to retire from-

If you need a website, give us a call:

WebSpark Design: specializing in custom web site design and development; offering flexible hosting options; and moving forward with SEO marketing options

Monday, July 6, 2009


Once again, silence without warning.
Well, I've been kinda busy.
I am back in N.C. and I am trying to get things back into some semblance of a pattern. Believe you me, it has taken some time. My normal way of being, the Queen of Multi-Tasking, has been put on hold as I try to sort one thing at a time. It's been maddening. I'm excited about the things that have been accomplished, but sometimes, all I see is the lack of things accomplished- all the things inside that are screaming for release. Hmmm...

And so, it is time that I release the valve, as one of my dear friends put it, so aptly.
Ttssssssssssss (sounds like: air coming out of a high pressure container)

Hope there is enough time to say all the things that I want to say.

Friday, May 15, 2009

proverbs 15; and thoughts developing over discussions based on proverbs 13 & 14

**entry in proverbs bible study email group - blog readers are coming in mid-conversation, sorry about that**

3 The eyes of the Lord are in every place,
keeping watch on the evil and the good.

Sometimes this spooks me out (in that "every breathe you take" stalker way)-

But today, I found it very comforting.

Today this verse tells me that God is in control; that he see the actions and the motivations of the heart; that he considers both the good and bad; and that no matter where we are or what we are doing, he sees.

And I feel that this can tie into the conversations relating to Proverbs 13-

**By the way, I really enjoyed the honestly confessed by this group- I didn't chime in, but don't think for a minute that I'm a Born Organizer (at least, not in my household chores!). Any of your statements can and do relate to me and my house: the bathrooms, the laundry, the dishes, the dust, the floors, etc...

I think that God knows us so well.
And loves us for the people were are- both our strengths and weaknesses.
And I don't think we need to feel guilty for our weak areas- now, I don't think we need to wallow in them and forsake trying to develop them- but I don't think that we can beat ourselves up because they are rough things for us to conquer (no matter what our best friends can do; or Martha Stewart; or that B.O. housekeeper that radiates housewifely perfection).

God has been cultivating a spirit of honesty within me- of being honest with HIM.

I've been in the process of shedding who I've been taught God is, and asking God directly, "who are You?" Which also leads to other questions:
"What do you want from me?"
"Why is my life this way?"
"Why do I seem to have such a hard time keeping up?"

And it is a PROCESS. Part of the issue is that I am human, sometimes, (shock) don't WANT to hear the answer. It may mean that I have to change. But I want to be that person who is willing to change- and not in superficial ways: I don't want to look the part; I want to be the part- REALLY BE it.

So, if I am being lazy; then yes, God forgive me that my house is a wreck, because I am cultivating a negative characteristic.

But, if I have been busy doing the things that I am good at, if I have been loving people, if I have been investing in my family and friends, if I have been diligent focusing on my strong points; then beating myself up and feeling guilty because I am not perfect in all things (i.e. beating myself up because I am not God [and aren't we all thankful :)]) is not worth my time or energy.

Whew- where did all of that come from?
I hope you guys enjoyed-

I love you all; and have really enjoyed reading all the comments in the last couple of days! You are a group of women to treasure!

Happy Friday!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

little man turns 4

I can't believe it. My little boy is 4 years old. It is mind-boggling that this adventure has been this long already. It is true what they say: the time does fly.

This is his first birthday that I am not with him. He is NC, and I am in OK. Of course, I am sad about this, but we had a celebration before he left. And we have another one scheduled for after my return to NC. And I've had 1,460 days of celebrating his birth in my heart.

So, I've decided that I am really okay with not being with him on this specific day- it isn't this one day that is so special; it is the culmination of days that I've been blessed with and will always treasure!

Happy Birthday, little man!
I love you- all the time!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

one of my new life rules...

I am not allowed to shower in a strange shower having had woken up at the crack of dawn and therefore being unfamiliar with products of a varying nature posing as hair products, not mention too tired for my olfactory to have started the business differentiating between shampoo and Skin-So-Soft Bath Oil.


Intersting life rule, huh?
Well, these are the kind of rules you have to establish for yourself when you wash your hair with bath oil instead of shampoo.

Monday, May 11, 2009

I am pathetic

I am filling in at a temp assignment. I've been here all last week, and will be here for a few days this week as well. This assigment leaves time for extra things to do- "free time," you could call it.

And I have been utilizing that time-
spending time on the job hunt (ah, the satisfaction of being paid to job hunt!) and keeping communication lines open...

And in the back of my mind is a voice: "Write on your blog. Doesn't matter which one you choose; they are all behind. Write, woman, WRITE."

It shouldn't be, but that voice is SO easy to ignore.

Friday, May 1, 2009

praises (yes, more than one)

1. God is giving me some direction. I feel like there is a path developing. I am continually asking for guidance and confirmation, but he is moving on my heart; and I am so thankful for that.

2. I have 7 days of work!!! One of the staffing agencies come through with a short term contract!!! I start working Monday!

3. My mom is coming into town for a visit! She will be here for 10 days starting tomorrow morning (missed her grandson terribly ;)

I keep asking God about his timing. It seems odd that I would finally get work at the same time that my mom will be here. I hate that I am going to miss out on time with her. My feelings are still askew, but I've told God that I will trust in his foreknowledge and plan.

4. In LifeGroup on Sunday morning, I told the group that I am the "geek mom." That introduction to preface this next comment: I have an interview with the Apple Store at Penn Square. I am really excited and really nervous about this. I can't believe how it all worked out to get an interview this quick. And I am thankful just to have the opportunity to interview. I'm not sure if my goals are going to be something they can work with, but I am excited to have the chance; and ask that God would make it clear (to both them and me) whether or not this is the path to take.

Just wanted to publically thank God (again) for his kindness and goodness.

He has not forgotten me; and that is amazing and humbling.

He is moving my heart, and that is truly the impossible at work (I am exceptionally stubborn).

Monday, April 27, 2009

a new game plan...

Thank you for praying for me! I can't being to tell you how much I appreciate that! There is a new plan of action that has been introduced to me for consideration. I feel like I've been the young child watching a parent mixing random ingrediants into a bowl; I've watched the batter be poured into a pan and placed into the oven; I've lost interested as time has passed because I didn't understand what each ingrediant meant now that it wasn't it's own thing, but part of a whole; and now the end product has been pulled out of the oven: it smells so good and my mouth is watering with anticipation. And I am asking God to- again- make things clear. Is this my new plan of action; or His for me?

would it make a difference....

if I told you that I was still writing?

I am still writing, and being very diligent about it. Just not on the blogs. I've been journaling like crazy. I know that doesn't help you- you don't get to know what I am thinking, you don't get to share in my experiences. But I AM STILL WRITING! Doesn't that make you happy? Will you forgive me now that you know that I am still hard at work?

Alright, alright.

I will do what I can to remedy the situation.
I will try to make sure that I am updating the blogs- even if I have to type in journal entries verbatim. But then, that may be too much information; and then you'll resent me for that....

Friday, April 24, 2009

thoughts on Proverbs 24

5 A wise man is full of strength,
and a man of knowledge enhances his might,
6 for by wise guidance you can wage your war,
and in abundance of counselors there is victory.

This to me is a successful battle plan for life. Because there are days that I am fully convinced it is a war- as much as I'd like to be Maria on top of the mountain all that time singing about the sound of music (and believe you me, there are times when I am Maria, singing for all I'm worth, enjoying the mountaintop beauty, dancing around like I have no care in the world). Back to the war- the daily sacrifice of self in order to support others, and to make sound decisions- it is nice to have some ideas that assist with boosting strength in weak moments.

13 My son, eat honey, for it is good,
and the drippings of the honeycomb are sweet to your taste.
14 Know that wisdom is such to your soul;
if you find it, there will be a future,
and your hope will not be cut off.

You guys are gonna laugh at me. I read v. 14 and thought, "oh, no! I read that yesterday. Did I skip ahead yesterday and not realize it?" I actually had to reread my post from yesterday. And because that wasn't good enough for me, I pulled out my Bible to make sure that online source I've been using wasn't wrong. I can't tell you how these words are resounding in my heart; God's timing is impecible. And the fact that he was willing to repeat it for me....I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.

Proverbs 23:18 - For surely there is a hereafter, and your hope will not be cut off.
Proverbs 24:14 - So shall the knowledge of wisdom be to your soul; if you have found it, thre is a prospect, and your hope will not be cut off.

thoughts on Proverbs 23

18 Surely there is a future,
and your hope will not be cut off.

26 My son, give me your heart,
and let your eyes observe [6] my ways.

These are the verses that spoke to me today. I don't think that I can yet verbalize my thoughts; but know that these both spoke to the deep parts of my heart. Verse 18 renews my spirit and gives me faith to hope; and verse 26 lays down a challenge for me.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

this is me- being very specific

(Last night's Bible Study was about prayer; about trusting God and praying very specifically.)

I want to publicly THANK God for providing a spot at a local developmental pre-school center in OKC. I asked for this for Rand and was granted a spot without a long wait. I had a 20 min interview with his teacher on Monday, and believe that she will be tender to Rand's needs.

I am asking God for 3 things for Rand:
That in spite of the new environment, the new teacher, the new procedures:

1. Rand will feel loved.

2. Rand will grow developmentally.

3. Rand will grow in confidence of his capabilities.

If you pray, please pray these things with me.

Sending lots of love and happiness!


Thursday, April 9, 2009

NY- Future

I want this life
Even with all its strife

People all around
Emitting all kinds of sound.

The food here is delight
My waistline will be a frightful sight.

To enjoy life to its fullest
And no longer be a tourist.

I found this poem rifling through some old lines-
And it is something that I must consider.
Clearly, there may be a destination after OKC. (giggles)

Monday, March 9, 2009

my sensory-wise son

-excerpt taken from my journal: entry dated Thursday, March 5 2009 sometime mid-morning

And so, it is a new day.
Rand and I are at the playground. I wonder...
Here at the playground Rand gets to work on his gross motor skills and need for boyish expression-aggression release; but I wonder how he handles the wind. It is really windy, consistently windy here; and I know he notices it. I wonder how it affects him sensory-wise. I feel it on my skin, in my hair; I hear it in my ears. I wonder how Rand processes all these things. Does it has the possibility of being an overwhelming thing or will it serve to build up a kind of sensory immune system? Will he learn to cope well with all that surrounds us?

For that matter too, we are right beside I35, a major roadway through this area. From this distance, you can hear the constant roar of the cars on the tarmac. It is not unlike a vacuum cleaner or hair dryer. But Rand seems unfazed. I wonder if this will serve to wear down his fear of other noise-makers or will he keep grudges against certain ones?

I was in church this Sunday...

and I can't tell you how long it has been since that has been the case. I actually went to Sunday School (which they call LifeGroups) and Service.

I appreciated the loving nature of the people around me. I enjoyed the lessons. I heard and felt the music. But I couldn't help but on some level feel like a hypocrite. There are so many questions that I have, and so much faith that I lack: I can still speak Christianese with the best of them, but I am not completely sure I believe it as it is coming from my own mouth.

But it is so easy for me to do it. And I wonder, how much of my heart is really my own; and how much of it is God's, whether I like it or not?

And I think, for a moment, I could have been really happy: if I had let myself.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Bible Study thoughts

I went to Bible Study for the first time in a long time, and there were two thoughts thrown out by my fellow students that made me think a bit. I want to share them with you.

1. It doesn't take faith to believe in God; but it does take faith to believe in Jesus.

2. Space was created as an example of God's vastness.
We explore space only to find more.
We explore God only to find that there is more than we can ever know.

Just some interesting opinions that peaked my interest.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

leaving the colors behind

I’ve abandoned the colors.
It was a conscious choice. They were there for the taking. And I love the colors! It would take no convincing to keep them close. In fact, it took a serious amount of convincing , a hard “talking to,” to leave them. Why does it matter?

Because the colors are easy. I don’t have to think when I play with the colors. They talk to me and make their own way. All I have to do is listen and play along. I love the colors.

But I came here to write. And so, in this case, the colors would end up being a distraction; an “easy out” so to speak. I love the words, but I have to think to use them. It takes time and energy: brain power. I love it; but it isn’t play- it is work. And most of the time, I don’t want to work.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

: (

I am tired of being sad.
And it is sad that I am tired all the time.

What a depressingly exhaustive cycle.

Saturday, February 21, 2009


So, I was challenged the other day to think about life before Google.

And, I can honestly say, I am glad that I am not living that life.

In two minutes, I was able to research a problem and find a way to fix it. That is amazing! What would I have done BG (before Google)?

My 3 and 1/2 year old son is in this "fun" stage: very independent and very curious. He wants to test his hypotheses without being supervised by an adult. Can I begin to tell you how much "fun" that is when I stumble upon one of his experiments at work; being that I am usually the adult that he is trying to hide from since I am almost always around.

Recent Hypothesis: I can make a Quarter disappear by sliding it through this slim spot: the spot where Mommy usually slides CDs in and out when we are driving in the car.

Experiment Steps:
1. When the car is parked catapult self into Mommy's seat (the driver's seat).
2. Play with every button to distract Mommy of true purpose.
3. Grab Quarter from change area when she is not looking.
4. Inconspicuously, slide Quarter into slot.
5. Check for complete disappearance.
6. Try to avoid being seen.
7. Pull together an innocent look if caught.

Well, I did catch him; and he succeeded with his innocent look- as he gave the Quarter one last shove into place! I don't often reach that octave when I shout, "No!" But there are certain special circumstances that deserve a little extra umph!

My Post-Experimentation Steps:
1. Told Mr. Cause and Effect what rules apply in regards to Quarters in the CD player.
(Who knew such a rule would ever need to be spelled out.)
2. Pressed Eject.
"Yes, thank you, CD Player. I did want my Jason Mraz CD to come out eventually, but I was hoping the Quarter would come along for the ride."
3. Join pro-con discussion with car mechanic extraordinaire: my Dad.
4. Slept on it.
5. Took knives to CD opening. Heard Quarter jiggle a bit, but no luck in acquisition.
6. Typed cry for help on Facebook.
7. Asked Google for help: It seems that toddlers all around the world are testing the same hypothesis. It is amazing. Like they have some innate need to test such things. There were plenty of options online, but mostly: tear apart your dash, get to the CD player, and pull out the Quarter.
**Why didn't I think of that?
8. Researched Saturn Ion dashboards.
(Thank you again, Google.)
9. Back outside- armed with screwdrivers of every sort and my meanest, no nonsense car mechanic face. Oh yea, baby! I know what I am doing.

10. Do I know what the hell I'm doing?!

11. Success. Dash is off. CD face is off. Quarter is in sight.
12. Moment of delight as I collect change.
13. It is amazing how much easier everything goes back ON!
14. Moment of truth: Will my CD player still work?
15. "Ah," I sigh as Jason's dulcet tones waft into my ears.


Who is the woman?!

This empowered moment brought to you by Google: type something in and get answers.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009



I was the mistress of my own fate.
I was a journey-man: atlas in hand (or passenger seat).
I was the seeker of jewels.

I was famished for Bill's BBQ, really the corn sticks.
I sought information.
I learned new roads.

I sent love to family.
I patted a dog.
I felt silly, happily.

I got stuck in traffic and yelled, "Ah ha! I will have toast before you!"
I took pictures of clouds while driving.
I contemplated a hotel stay.

I listened to Jason.
I listened to my Purchased Play List.
I sang at the top of my lungs.

I danced within the constraints of my seat belt.
I saw a forest fire; I smelled a forest fire.
I smelled chicken poo. (YUCK)

I walked on the beach.
I saw the sun set.
I heard the waves crash.

I was there- in that moment- forever.
I was there for 10 minutes- max.
My feet were cold.

10 Minutes on the beach fueled me for 3 more hours on the road.

Friday, February 13, 2009

quiet visions

My post-midnight porch is one of my favorite places to be.
Today, I've given; I've shared.
I talked; I sang: and I've listened and responded.
There's been music and noise: the incessant list of things to do.

But now, I am on the porch.
Listening to the night air.
Watching the dark sky, and the twinkling stars.

Tonight, things are more quiet than usual- the frogs are still croaking, but they seem subdued. Their week-long carnival seems at an end. I can still hear the highway that is close to my neighborhood; but the sounds don't travel so well tonight. Like, the night knows I need a little more peace than usual.

And my mind wanders to other quiet moments, and savors the visions:

I am 16.
It is near 6am.
The air early-morning-clear.
The color is yellow-pink, gray.
We've come together to share in this tryst; an unlikely band of early-day starters, who sacrifice sleep to enjoy this moment. If we talk, it is hushed. It is an amazing moment. I follow the concrete path down to the shore. It is unlike any shore I've ever walked on: not so much sand, more pebbles and tiny shells. The most perfect spiral shells I've ever seen littered all around. The water is slate gray; placid. It is a mirror of the open sky above me: beautiful early morning clouds that will be blown away as the air of day shifts and changes. I step into the surf. It is so cold. The exact cold of crisp; the cold of a new day. I shiver and react, but continue forward. I embrace the cold. I know the cold will become warm, and I will forget it. I will be lost in the beauty that I am apart of; and I will find strength in that beauty to face the day. I am swimming in the Sea of Galilee. I reside at Kibbutz Ma'agan. I realize where I am and I am amazed. That feeling, that beauty stays with me all day.


The meal has been served and devoured.
The campfire lit: songs sung and devotions proclaimed.
Ideas, love, forgiveness, amazement: shared by all.
It is time for sleep now.
I don't choose the safety of the tent. Instead, I lay my blanket out under the pitch-black sky. Only, it isn't pitch-black when you really look. There are an innumerable amount of stars shining, twinkling. And when you really look, there are so many it hurts to look. It hurts to know that I will never see this many ever again. It hurts to know they will be there, but I won't see them. I hear the sounds of sleep: only deep breaths in and out. Even the camels are quiet for this moment. I am not one who is able to sleep when this much beauty exists; when I've missed this much beauty my entire life until now. The sky is literally a dark blanket that has been scattered with diamonds. So many, there are just so could I have missed them? I want to stay here, at this Bedouin tent for the rest of my life. I want this night, July 3rd 1997, to last forever. So that I can just lay here. Lay here in the middle of the dessert and look up. Up into the fathomless sky, and realize that God has loved me, will love me more times than there are stars.


It is night.
I am in a gazebo; in a graveyard.
I've just offered myself to him; and he has rejected me.
I don't know what to say. I am so hurt- there is nothing to say. He feels the weight of his words, and can't say anything else to relieve the pressure. My mind is filled with questions; but I don't speak them, I can't speak them. There is nothing else to do: I get up and walk away.


I sit at the table eating bread with honey; and tea with cream.
It is so early, it's dark. I move with sleepy still hanging to every inch of my body. I want to go back to bed. But I know where this day will lead and I am, despite my heavy lids, excited about the destination. Today, I will walk where those druids were. Today, I will see massive stone pillars arranged just so. Today, I will touch rock that has been patiently waiting on the Salisbury Plain for me to come. It will be amazing. I will love it. I meditate on the moment and smile.


The festivities are done.
The rehearsal was a success.
The late-night chats with the girls are over.
I am in my room sharing the bed with one of my best friends; my maid of honor. Tomorrow I marry. Okay, later this morning, I marry. Everything is still. In this moment, I feel the gravity, the weight of responsibility. I stand on the precipice of a life-changing moment. There are only two options: turn and walk away OR jump. The first idea isn't an option. I run through the day ahead: prepare, walk carefully, talk slowly, love fiercely, kiss thoroughly, and smile. And know that I have committed my life to someone; committed to live my life with someone. I will begin a new family unit. This decision will affect eternity. It is awe-ful.


I lay in bed.
There are soft lights and the whirs of machines. I am suppose to be sleeping, but I am at another major moment in life. There is another life within me awaiting his arrival moment. My husband sleeps in a cot beside me. I listen to the sound of nothing; and know that very soon, it will be filled with the sound, the voice of my son. His arrival is too soon: this timing wasn't my plan. His arrival is too late: and that is why I am here, in the hospital, on medication to help things along. I worry, and try to trust God. I evaluate myself, wondering whether I am ready for such an awesome task: raising a new generation of me and him put together. I wonder if that moment of passion can ever make amends for the outcome. I face my failures and ask for pre-forgiveness for a future that is sure to be scarred with mistakes. The anticipation is sickening and intoxicating. Will I be enough? Will I trust God enough?


I stand on the porch.
It is 12:30am.
My men- the big one and the little one- are asleep.
And I have this blessed moment to myself.
No giving, no sharing, no talking, no music.
Just the night sounds to soothe my weariness.
I look up and see the stars, my familiar bright lights.
I see the beauty and store it away for my reserves for battle: the next day.
I smell the cold air and wonder if it will revive me to peaceful sleep...
I move forward despite rejection and accept awe-ful, awe-inspiring moments.
I ask forgiveness as I know that I am not enough; and ask God that he will make me enough; and ask forgiveness because I am too tired to mean it: in this quiet moment.

Monday, February 9, 2009

a hat girl

I am a hat girl.
Always have been, and I am embracing that I always will be.

I remember my grandfather's driving cap: tan corduroy.
I loved that hat. It is one of my favorites.
I was a little girl: I remember it well sitting on his head- out and about town. It sat next to the station wagon keys. It smelled spicy- like him.
I ended up owning that hat.
I wore it in high school. They thought I was above embarrassment; that I had it together, that I knew who I was...
Sadly, I don't have it anymore. They were wrong.

Pulling together this crazy identity has taken time, is taking time. And the hats have come and gone. I wasn't sure. And then, I was. There were periods of hat-wearing-prowess. But then, wearing a hat takes a certain amount of confidence: people notice hat wearers. And sometimes, there have been many times, I didn't want to be noticed.

(You know what I mean.
You see those people, with those hats and wonder what they're all about.
There have been many times in the last 10 years, I didn't want people to see me. I didn't want to be seen. I avoided seeing...)

And now, I just don't care.
This person is not yet formed; but has the confidence to say so.
Questions form with confidence; not embrassement- there is yet a lot to learn.
So, I wear the hats. And if people look, that's okay.

Hopefully, they will see someone:
who loves to live
who loves to explore
who appreciates change and adaptation
who realizes that we've all got mistakes to make
who doesn't mind being wrong or changing her mind
among other things...

So, bring on the funky hats....oh, yea! I will wear them.
And giggle at the hat-hair underneath...


I am outside on the porch.
It is my moment alone.
I want to enjoy the outside, post-midnight noise.
The natural noise.

Instead, I hear a train rolling through downtown.
I hear it perfectly.
The air is clear and the sound travels effortlessly.
And it makes me think...

Where is it going?
Who is on it?
What is its cargo?
Where would I end up if I were on it?

I also hear the frogs in their endless song:
they remind me of the solidarity of my reality.

I hear the crackle of my kretek, and remember that there are some new trains that I have jumped on...

What other trains await?

Please, leave me alone.
This is my alone moment: no noise, no music, no talking. Just time for me to think and dream.
And breathe.

Friday, February 6, 2009

COMPARE: Rand Busfield and Grey's Anatomy

I know this is going to sound crazy. But this kind of comparison is so typical to the way my mind works; haven't you come to expect that from me? So, we'll move on. Those who know me well, expect the expected. Those who don't know me well: take note. I am crazy. Now you know.

Many of you ask me about Rand:
How he is doing?
How is his development coming along?
What am I feeding him and where can you get some?

And now, I have an amazing link for you to hold on to when you are thinking about Rand, and how you may want to interact with him.
(thank you, abc!)

Last night on Grey's Anatomy, Dr. Dixon was once again featured. She is the visiting cardiac surgeon who lives with Asperger's Syndrome. On last night's episode, she suffered from a fierce moment of sensory stimuli overload. And because of it, she handled an important interaction with a patient and her parents poorly before fleeing the room. Dr. Miranda Bailey finds Dr. Dixon shortly afterwards: she is in a quiet room trying to wrap the doctor's coat she is wearing even more tightly around herself. She explains that deep, firm compressions offer assistance in helping her deal with the sensory overload she is battling. And so, in what is meant to be a comedic moment in the show (highlighting Dr. Dixon's oddness), Dr. Bailey and Dr. Christina Yang hug Dr. Dixon until she is calm; until her heart rhythm and breathing have become normalized.

I can laugh.
But my laughter is tempered with reality.
Rand lives with Sensory Processing Disorder. Thankfully, his sensitivity to social and physical situations isn't as severe as Dr. Dixon's; but nevertheless, there are issues to keep an eye on when dealing with him. Overload to sensory stimuli is one of them. Most of the time, it is just too much of something: new environment, new people, new procedure, loud/unexpected/unusual nosies, too much touching in places he doesn't like (his head for example). Too much of any of these things without a proper release as he goes along, can cause a frenzied fit. And the best path back to normalcy is deep, firm compressions: a hug, a squeeze, a game of "smush you," even sometimes, a good pillow fight. After such "therapy" sessions, Rand seems to take a deep breath, as if to say,"Ah, thank you. That is so much better."

And yes, there is a hugging machine for people. And yes, it was developed from the "hugging" machine that keeps cattle calm and in place for slaughter. The designer's name is Temple Grandin. She is an amazing woman living with autism and rocking the world doing what she loves to do. I am reading her book, Thinking in Pictures: And Other Reports from My Life with Autism.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


I've used the term Jenny-law recently.

And maybe it is time to define the term: for you sake and mine!
Especially since I plan on writing more about them.


1. Ideas, words, phrases, sentiments that have been adopted into Jenny's frame of reference for life

2. a constitution emphasizing truths that may not necessarily be accepted by all people; it is specialized to reflect experiences and thoughts based on Jenny's life

**I may add to this list as I continue to develop the idea.
I promise to link back, if I make adjustments.


with Anu Garg



1. Cheerfully optimistic or confident.
2. Having a healthy reddish color.
3. Blood-red.

I am the kind of nerd that subscribes to A.Word.A.Day. It comes to my email account every day with new words for me to learn. Sanguine is one of those words that came along that I was pretty sure of the definition; but I checked it out just to get a refresher.

And, I realized that God whispered this word into my soul before my creation was complete.

NO matter what comes my way; no matter the dark clouds; no matter the bad days or down days (and yes, I do have them; sometimes, even a few at a time)- it seems that I am always able to pick up and keep going....with a smile and a tune. And this ability, the ability to charge on happily, is my default. There is no other way. And that amazes me.

On a lighter note, it is amazing to think that I will never need to wear blush in my life. There is enough blooming-red on these cheeks for everyone to enjoy. And that is just another ones of those things that I must accept as a default.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

that kind of friend

Everyone should have that kind of friend:

the one who looks at you with complete love; the one who accepts you completely as you are; the one who shrugs as if to say, "Why are you surprised? I've known this about you since we met;"

and then, slams you with some sort of stinky-poo-pile of truth.

It is amazing to be that loved.
It is amazing to be that accepted for who you are.
And for that person, to be able to see the truth; and to share the is an amazing thing.

It sucks to hear the truth....

sometimes. And sometimes, it opens your mind to paths that you've ignored.

And at the end, whether it is good news or bad news, it is nice to hear such things from that friend; because either way, they are still going to be there. No matter what you do with the truth.


"You are so quiet. Why aren't you saying anything," she asked me.

I know that she was reaching out and being loving; but there were a few good reasons I wasn't saying much.

First: I don't feel like what I have to say these days is 1) very interesting 2) certainly not very edifying. It is the basic principle: if you don't have anything very nice to say- KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

Second: (which is actually still tied to #1)
I am so tired of using my friends as shrinks. They don't get paid to hear me whine and moan; to listen as I delve into true feelings and motivations. That is all I am doing these days....why would anyone want to listen to that if you aren't getting paid for it?

Third: I am quiet because I am absorbing.
I want to hold onto the moment. Look at each person around me. I see the past: our beautiful, crazy memories. I see them as they are right now, and savor their presence. I see them in the future without me; and I am sad. I know that I am the one that will be missing so much.

That is why I am quiet. How can I say this without becoming the patient again; and again asking them to become my counselors?

"I am just absorbing," I say.
But it doesn't matter. They ask, and I answer.
And it becomes a long, sad discussion.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

my family unit

My family unit is growing.
And that is a wonderful and amazing thing.

I used to think that family meant only those people who were connected to me by blood or marriage. I was sad, because that meant there weren't a lot of people in my family. Well, at least, there were a lot of people that I didn't know: I've got a lot of family in South America (and other places) that I have never met.

Yes, people connected to me by blood or marriage, people that are automatically defined as family, are important to me.

But I would like to propose another definition for family: a definition that I have come to adopt as a Jenny-law. People who are proven by time and love without any previous connection (i.e. those connections afore mentioned)- these people are just as much my family. These are the people I choose to assimilate into my family unit.

And I am thankful to say, my family unit is growing. I feel loved and supported by these people, these friends: my family.

I am blessed and highly favored-
(it blows my mind and I am humbled.)

Sunday, February 1, 2009

feed me, I am hungry

I love to learn.

And I feel, in order to keep up with the errands of life, I've put learning new things on the back-burner for way too long.

I feel like I am someone who has been in a dark room, locked away.
I have ignored things, let them slip by me. I've been busy and unaware.

And now...
I am starving.

I can't seem to learn enough these days.
It is amazing how much time and energy goes into learning; and how rewarding it is.

And there is so much. I have to be my own sifter: deciding what's worth it and what can wait. I am in a Chinese Buffet and so hungry. And there are so many choices to munch on. There is only so much that my stomach can hold. And I know that I can come back anytime. But there are so many delicacies....what to chose first?

So, I am learning.
And I love it.


It is amazing how good eradication feels...

when I am in charge of it.

It is costly: in time and in energy. But it comes with an amazing sense of accomplishment. In this moment, I can understand how one can become intoxicated. How someone can let it go to their heads. The power, the control is....well, it gives one a grasp of self-possession.

Thursday, January 29, 2009

i can do this

I had a moment to myself today.

It was a gray, rainy day.
And the wind was blowing- raging- through the street up to my porch.

I was compelled to get some air-
To smell the air.
It was a long day.

As the wind tossed my hair about, I smelled cloves. And somehow, that scent; and the rain: its smell and sound; and the wind, bolstered my confidence.

And what had been a days-long downturn in self-confidence, turned into this spicy moment of assurance.

I can do this!
I am capable.

I can wrestle decisions down and plant my feet firmly on the conquered carcasses.
Oh yeah, baby. Hear me roar.

Amazing, what a stint in the rain and wind can do for this woman.

are you grinning at me?

I see you.
You are so bright.
I had to double take.
You look different.

A horizontal, crescent-shape;
Bright, milky white-
You slash the slate, blue-black sky.
I can't help but stare.

You look like a smile-
No eyes, no nose;
Nothing else to distract me.
Just a smile.

Thanks for the encouragement.

Or, should I ask, are you laughing at me?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

I am not alone...

or at least, I will soon not be.

Somehow, I feel like my sense of privacy is about to take a hike in order to find some solitude since soon that is going to be hard to find in my current environment.

Did you follow me on that.

It is leaving: my sense of privacy...
In order to find its own privacy.

Is it allowed to do that?

Yes or no: doesn't matter.
What matters is that it is happening.
The evolution is taking place.
I am evil and unhappy: clearing not handling the change well.
I am not as good as I thought I would be; as I hoped I would be.

If I were my privacy, maybe I would take a hike too.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

body in motion

I am only 27.
Okay, well I am actually going to be 28 in less than a month; but still that is only a year away from 27.

The point is I am still young. I am not old. Not decrepit. I am able-bodied.
Sure, I am heavier than I ought to be; but for the most part, my weight hasn't kept me from the things that I want to do.

My goal last year was to get serious about losing weight; to get serious about breaking a life-long emotional bond with food. I am glad to say that I did lose weight. That I ended the year lighter than I started it. That I presently am aware of being hungry and eating for that reason; not because I am sad, bored, crazy, etc...

This year, my goal is to get my body in motion.
I do like to exercise. Well, I like the after-exercise feeling, more than the during-exercise feeling (there's nothing like a good dose of endorphins)....but still, I usually don't shy away from a modest workout. The key there: MODEST workout.

Part of this "body in motion" goal means that I will challenge my body beyond a modest workout.....heavens, no!

Oh, yes- and I have already started...can't you hear my body screaming in agony in the background.....ah, music to my ears...Please do your best to ignore it.

I am.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

ah-ha-ha-ha-ha (think powerful laugh)

I am all-conquering and powerful.
I am strong and beautiful.
I am curious and brilliant.

I gave you power and together we twisted through rock.

Thump, Thump goes my heart.
Throb, Throb goes my arm.
But you have been pieced together and are solid.

I have cleaned you out.
Separated good from bad-
You are the better for it;
And I am the wiser.

And on again, until it's done.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

missing you

I thought of you tonight;
And our attraction,
And our instant passion.

What a fun summer!
What a crazy fall!
There was never enough time-

I was in love with you.
I loved you;
And then I had enough.

Can you overdose on someone?
How much of their essence
Is too much?

Clearly, you'd had your fill too.
Our separation was as natural as
Our magnetism.

And know that the day we didn't talk-
And the many days after that,
I missed you.

You were that something to me
That no one else can be.
You got me like no one else can.

But there was also the memory:
Of exhaustion.
Our flames burned hot and bright.

Oh, God, the fire was insane;
The creativity still burns in me;
And the acceptance: me of you and you of me-

Our emotions were tangible.
Our ideas were voilent with action.
The music we made still haunts me.

Your voice haunts me-
Our voices in harmony together...
The sound is with me-

As I think of you tonight.
I miss you.
Know that from where you are.

Saturday, January 10, 2009


In this moment,
I nod to the women of my past.
The women who raised me;
Who are a part of me;
Who are me.

In inhale deeply,
And exhale slowly.
I imagine spice in the air.
The spice and sense that binds us;
A common ground for us.

As the wind swirls the spice around me,
it becomes a smoke
Filled with passion.
It is filled with love and hate-
Emotions incarnate in my memory.

Thank you for making me.
Thank you for being me.
Thank you for leaving me be;
And letting me be me-
Different but having the same scent.

Friday, January 9, 2009

renewed effort in hopes to reach Shangri-La

I told you daily
And you have been waiting here
Checking in
Depending on my word
I am sorry
Thoughts exist and coalesce
But for fragments of time
The fog has been too thick
The need for attention in other places
Too great
And I am sad
Thoughts meet and make ideas
And without expression
They die
Oh I can gather the pieces
And try to paste them back together
But it is never the same
The brilliance is dull
The shine murky
My ideas are best fresh
Newly ripened
The smell and taste of newness
Lead to transportation
Over-ripe, pasted together ideas
Are just a path through the woods
And you aren't going to find Shangri-La
At the end