"If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." MRAZ

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

stealing legally

There is something deeply satisfying about getting new clothes off the rack on sale and then using a coupon to wrap up the purchase. I feel like I stole today:

59.99 sweater for 2.71
49.99 black top for 2.71
59.99 sweater for 4.05

(insert evil laugh here)
And soon, I will take over the world...

Monday, May 17, 2010

consider the difference

Consider this:

What would the world be like, what would relationships between people be like if we were forced to understand loving ourselves before we were distracted by loving someone else.

Imagine taking the time to know and understand yourself. To confidently, unashamedly list your excellent qualities and your faults. To look at yourself in the mirror and smile at who and what you see. To understand how you receive love; and how you give love- and then not being afraid to talk about it, because vulnerability with others betrays confidence within yourself. Acknowledging and defending your boundaries- knowing what ground you are willing to share and what ground is protected no matter the circumstances.

Knowing what makes you happy; what pleases you.
Knowing what makes you sad; angry.
And knowing how to convey it directly.
And not being worried when someone disagrees.

I am not talking about being selfish- we all do that naturally enough.
I am talking about out-and-out pure love and acceptance from the person you need it most- you.

If you don't love you; why would you expect anyone else to?
If you don't take the time to know yourself; why would you expect the investment from anyone else?
If you don't take the time to challenge your weakness and grow from them; why in the world would you expect someone else to do the work for you?

Take possession of your self- and love you.
So that you can better love others.

Just a thought.


Funny what inspires me into fits of writing.

There are so many times, and so many things that I think of to express in words. But I am turned off by the amount of work that word formation requires. Truly and honestly- there is no other way to put it. I don't like to write- it is too much work; and I love to write, because when done well, it can transform minds and moments. It is just so much darn work to accomplish good writing. Forget excellence. I was content to leave that behind long ago- not to mention the time that it takes. Good grief. The craft can suck minutes down in an instant- and then the outcome can still be indistinct and subject to the reader.

And then, there are other moments- when I forget about all of the work; because the words are coming whether I want them to or not. There is no invitation. I am moved- possessed even- by a will, a vision greater than my own; and words flow, as if written by their own volition. The mad insanity of moments passes and I look upon paragraphs of content. Written and done; and I am waking from a dream.

limited posting

I can appreciate the intense power of words- as I use them and wield them. Sometimes, even I wince at the formation of thoughts that appear from my fingertips. And sometimes, I write and delete, ashamed at the raw vulnerability of the expression. And I think of the young ones- no matter the age; and my possible negative influence.

And so, I censor myself.
And then feel irritated at having done so-

Because sometimes, ugly and raw and hurt and anger need expression too. They need life and form. A moment in reality, black and white, when I can inspect and evaluate and decide. And sometimes, having others take time to inspect- for me or for them- is a good thing too.

It has the potential for being a moment of growth for everyone involved and invested in the process. And so, censor no more- but posting will be limited. Just as available, but a little extra to get the goods will be required.

The old ones will fight for the ripe fruit, because they know it tastes good.

Sunday, May 16, 2010

jen-xtreme living

I don't really pursue extreme sports, but I do like taking risks. In fact, I can show you a pretty impressive handful of scars as proof of deliciously fool-hardy stunts-gone-bad. But we all have our scars, don't we?

So, risk-
I like it. To a certain extent- within reason. I like pushing the boundaries from time to time; and scaring myself back into paying attention to life and the precious moments that pass. Sometimes, in the doldrums, in the routine- I forget to take advantage, to suck the marrow; and a good dose of adrenaline is what I need to wake up and engage.

Now, I can't do anything too risky- I mean, I am a mom. I got to get this kid to 18, at least, before I do anything really crazy. So, in the meantime, at around 9:30pm on a rainy stormy night you'll find me jumping on the trampoline in the backyard (providing my own music, since I don't want to ruin the iPod).

I thought next time maybe I should take my shampoo out with me- I do like to multi-task after all.

Thursday, May 6, 2010

just a little satisfaction

I am really glad that I am one of those people who tends to be open to change. I am not saying that I don't fall into my ruts; and have wrestling matches with my inner-(wo)man because I want to lazy-soak in my stagnant bath, a typical creature of habit-

(I mean, I am human, after all...)

But, I do try to pep-talk myself into embracing the challenge of new experiences- a little RA RA can usually get me through. And I try to be confident enough in myself that as my sphere of influence shifts and meshes with others in the ebb and flow of life's tide, I firmly maintain my sea legs.

Not always successful- but these days, more often that not; and that makes me smile. I've received many a treasure recently as reward for my efforts, compensation for the ongoing fight to make myself better than I am; priceless jewels so beautiful that I would have subconsciously mourned not having the opportunity to hold them.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

a moment

I love observing a moment with someone-
You haven't known them long, so you are just in the "getting to know you phase" and you are engaged in a good conversation- a pleasant exchange of information that leans on the polite side of things.

And then it happens- you start on a conversation topic that changes everything. It is the moment where all the polite, superficial conversation is forgotten because they've magically been transformed by the topic of conversation- and suddenly, you see their passion.


It is truly transcendental-
They don't even realize they've crossed a threshold, because of the joy and conviction that has overwhelmed them; and they share their heart without worry for the restrictions of polite etiquette. In a single moment, the stranger before me has revealed their naked heart for my pleasure and review.

who you are, as you are

I received a really sweet and sincere compliment this morning. It made me feel really good because the compliment targeted something that I consider a not-so-pretty feature. It made me feel loved and acceptable for who I am, as I am.

And I thought, how nice would it be if we could love and accept people for who they are, as they are more often? In essence, cut each other a little more slack for not fitting into the accepted stereotypes that have been created- and that we put up on those pedestals.

How hard would it be to implement this into our daily lives with the people within our spheres? I am certainly not suggesting that we have to be best-buds with everyone we know- I am definitely not an advocate for that. But giving each other a little grace isn't a bad idea- last time I checked, we are all living this moment for the first time ever.

Seems to be that a little extra sincere grace running around would make the life journey a little easier, and less stressful for all of us-

Imagine: being accepted for who you are, as you are
And then providing the same courtesy to others.

Monday, May 3, 2010

relationship changes; connection doesn't

I've had the interesting experience of being close to many people who are in the process of redefining long term relationships. Since about January, there's been a distinctive concentration of people in my life going through this evolution process in their personal lives-

And focusing primarily on those who are resetting the boundaries on what was once an intimate, life-partner relationship- the ultimate question is what is the best way to move forward in relation to what's been stored up in the past and what was hoped for in the future.

Good question, I think.
A question whose answer betrays the fundamental outlook of the person coming to the answer. Can you move forward in a way that is different than what you hoped for but still honors the past that will forever be unchanged?

An intimate relationship with someone can be stopped or changed- often, the connection remains. After all, it is the beginning to any relationship, some sort of connection to the other person from which you both make a decision to move forward in an egaged relationship.

In the steps to change or stop a long-term relationship, the original connection is often completely ignored in order to wade through the pain as simply as possible.

What if we would work through the pain of a changing relationship, mourn the loss of the hoped-for-future without pretending the connection didn't exist in the first place? Can the connection be honored even though there is no longer an ongoing decision to act on it or to act on it at the intimate level?

Am I asking too much of the general human heart?


Connection from one person to another- it can sometimes be a hard thing to define, even though we try. Connection can be superficial or intimate on so many different levels (sometimes, shared levels): professional associations, friend of a friend, next door neighbor, lover, long time friend, life-partner...

I wonder if we are too concerned with defining our connections to people; and do we define them for ourselves (because we need the safety net of a boundary), or so that we can explain a relationship to others (even though no one else will ever completely understand what is shared between 2 people)?

How would it be to just enjoy a connection with someone without trying to define it? To let it evolve to the ebb and flow of 2 lives converging for a length of time as it will and for whatever purpose? To keep your heart so open, so vulnerable to any possibility vs. the limited possibilities as regulated by a general definition.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

12 Months in a iPhoto Library

Just a random thought as I was scrolling through the last 12 months of pictures in my iPhoto Library: I've had an AMAZING year. I mean, the last 12 months have literally been something out of a book. I am so happy that there is evidence of changes that I wanted to implement in my life- I have actual proof that I can put my money where my mouth is. I am really proud about that; and clearly, I've had a blast!

spontaneous combustion, anyone?

How many blissfully new experiences can a girl handle before she just explodes from all the fun? I don't know the answer that- but, I had a vibe wash over me this I'm getting dangerously close to the razor blade edge of finding out. And it concerned me- I mean, spontaneous combustion could potentially cause problems- just sayin'- but only for a split second.

Let me clarify that last statement (I wouldn't want you all thinking the wrong thing)- my short-lived concern applies to the vibe, not the post-SC living complications...or more likely, the complication of not living. But enough of that- take comfort in the fact that my affairs are in order, so that if the SC ends up being my fate- all will be well and life will go on (well, for you).

What I'd really like to focus on is the razor blade edge and living on it, and my getting closer and closer to it. It is amazing the effort involved in pushing yourself beyond the status quo. And not just the expected status quo or society's status quo- I am talking about your own personal status quo. Only you know when you've become party to habit because it is easy, predictable and means you don't have to grow.

So, my concern was quickly put aside, because I choose to push myself. I choose to put myself in the path of new experiences and challenges; because each one will help me evolve into the person I want to be, the person I have the potential to be. What's the point of having potential if you don't bother to do anything with it? I will not be or become someone that they speak about in hushed tones: "Oh, well. She had so much potential."

I choose the possible explosion from too much fun. I choose living beyond my potential. Would you like to join me?