"If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." MRAZ

Sunday, July 12, 2009

my crush

So, I thought I would go ahead and confess a serious crush-
and it isn't so much a crush now as it is a curious attraction...

I can't tell you the first time I saw the movie, but I do know that I was fairly young; and I do remember that I loved it. Have you seen it: The Labyrinth. I liked it so much that I would ask for it again and again when it was my turn to rent something from the movie store- my mom hated the fact that I loved it so much, and that I ALWAYS wanted to watch it.

You guys are gonna crack up (I can't believe that I am confessing this):
When I was little I had the biggest crush on the Goblin King, played by David Bowie. There was something about him that I liked; and now that I am older, I wonder what it was....could it have been David Bowie's voice (which I've carried preference for ever since), his hair style, his distinct makeup, his oh-so-fashionable costumes?

Now I think my attraction stems from a curious fascination of the character: he has an awe-ful, evil confidence that only seems to be fragmented by the young girl's defiance. Maybe I love:
1. the fact that he isn't omnipotent, that even with all his power, he can't control her
2. that he gives her the choice at the end
3. that she has the ability to make him feel vulnerable by just being who she is, and I like seeing a powerful man deal with his vulnerability


I can tell you my favorite part of the movie- it remains a constant, no matter how old I am: the ball. And maybe that's the romantic in me, the girly-girl who can't help but fall all over a big party and a great dance. I love everything about the ball (well, except the end):
1. the costumes: I think Sarah is absolutely beautiful. I remember wanting to look just like her when I grew up and got married.
2. the decorations
3. the colors
4. the music: that remains one of my favorite songs to this day; a sense of the romantic washes over me and I feel like I am caught in the trance as well, and all I need is someone to dance with me
5. the way he eludes her, the way he watches her as she looks for him
6. their dance
7. and definitely the way she looks at him while they dance (and the way he looks at her): I have always wanted to be Sarah at that moment, and get my chance to dance with the Goblin King

Now that I've shared this deep-dark secret, I am going to leave you with the lyrics:
"As the World Falls Down" - David Bowie
As such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and closed within your eyes
I'll place the sky within your eyes

There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But Ill be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars

As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill has gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But Ill be there for you-oo-oo
As the world falls down

As the world falls down
Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling in love

Friday, July 10, 2009

holding my own

I'm a fairly confident person; and if I am in a situation that overwhelms me, I bluff my way through it. If there's anything that I've had practice in- it's bluffing my way through life; that's a natural consequence of people thinking you are older than you really are, and having a smile that tends to disarm and distract people.

I can also- for the most part- size people up; a consequence of growing up in a single mom home. She wanted to make sure her little girl was aware of the people around her (particularly the men), so that nothing would happen without my being prepared for it. So, at this point, I consider myself a vibe reader. I feel people out, so that I know how to act (or protect myself); and for the most part, I tend to be right. Not all the time, but enough.

And so, I know if I can hold my own with someone or not.
Since I tend to be a force of nature with my emotions, if I am not careful I can easily overwhelm and bombard people- oh, yea, I can hold my own with most.

And then there are a few where our abilities are matched; and it is a give and take. Sometimes they win, and sometimes I win. And we mutually respect each other's presence and effect.

And then there are the select few- I can bluff all I want to; and I may just barely convince them with my disarming charm that I can hold my own with them, but I know that they've got me. I'm just playing along and hoping that I can keep my wits about me, and that I am catching them at a weak moment.


You want to talk about complete trust?

Put your words out there for review....
It is a state of vulnerability unparalleled.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009


Ah, it burns my soul.
The wondering- the worrying that comes with the wondering. I would love to belittle it into concern or distraction; but if I were being truly honest- and I am- full-fledged, dirty-ugly worry accompanies wonder in my brain...not all the time, but most of the time.

As much as I like to have fun- and I do have it; I live, breath, eat, sleep, etc...responsibility. I always resort to the baseline, consider the consequences, squelch the fun before it gets out of control- always.

(well, almost always)

And so, in moments outside of the always; in moments when I consider being rash and adventurous without first considering all the consequences, the wonder plagues me. It's automatic- I've tried to delete that part of my programming, but no luck (anyone want to help me with that?). I move forward and do my best to ignore the whoosh of my mind as it races to present end-results, all kinds of them, waving frantically at me to get my attention as I try to walk on. It is a very annoying characteristic.

I suppose for those who always want to make a good decision every single time, this would be a fairly fabulous thing; but I've come to accept that right decisions aren't always the good ones (afterall, good is a relative thing), and so I am mostly annoyed that my few times of spontaneous fun are ill with the wondering, with the curiosity of what will then happen next...


Somehow, my 16 year old self resurfaced this weekend- not completely, but enough to be shocking on the alternate parallel universe scale. I didn't really expect to see her- not this weekend, not ever. I can read her memories in the journals she left behind, but other than that....

She was actually here. I heard her giggle, laugh out loud, say silly things; I felt her move and shake her groove; I felt her survey my 28 year old existence with that light in her eyes- the light that exists for 16 year olds full of hope and ambition. She wasn't necessary negative with her opinions on my life, just surprised- she didn't expect this (I tried to tell her that I didn't either).

And then she asked me what I was going to do about it.

I tried to explain that real life wasn't the way she thought it was going to be; that decisions were harder to make and follow through then it appeared they would be; that disappointment and let downs were hard to shake off; that responsibility always wins out and is heavier than expected; that changing one's mind was sometimes practically impossible-

"Why?" she asked.

I thought for a minute- Good question, I surrendered.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

spelling vs. emotions

My spelling sucks- there is just no other way to say it. Everyone- including me- is baffled by the fact that I am an English major, that I love language, that I practice writing- AND THAT I CAN'T SPELL to save my life.

Well, I've been learning (and have had a recent lesson thanks to an emotional email) that my spelling gets even worse when I'm writing in passion. The typos are unreal- basic spelling errors and absolutely inappropriate word choices....

really, it is embarrassing.
(head hung, she emits a deep sigh.)

And when my emails need to be impressive and witty and awesome-
all I get is misspellings flowing from my fingertips.

my new job

I've reach professional nirvana.
It is amazing.

A friend of mine from middle school messaged me while I was still in Oklahoma to tell me that her husband (who was also a good friend back in the day) needed some help with his current business projects. She said, "It sounds like you are headed back and in need of a job; if you are interested, this opportunity is available."

Needless to say, I was thrilled by the idea. The opportunity to add structure and organization to a computer based company hit all the right interest buttons for me.

And so, here I am- Administrative Support for WebSpark Design, L.L.C. I've been wearing a lot of hats, balancing my natural skills and talents, challenging myself to learn more ASAP (so that I can keep up with my boss). And I love it! I've finally found a professional that I hope to retire from-

If you need a website, give us a call:

WebSpark Design: specializing in custom web site design and development; offering flexible hosting options; and moving forward with SEO marketing options

Monday, July 6, 2009


Once again, silence without warning.
Well, I've been kinda busy.
I am back in N.C. and I am trying to get things back into some semblance of a pattern. Believe you me, it has taken some time. My normal way of being, the Queen of Multi-Tasking, has been put on hold as I try to sort one thing at a time. It's been maddening. I'm excited about the things that have been accomplished, but sometimes, all I see is the lack of things accomplished- all the things inside that are screaming for release. Hmmm...

And so, it is time that I release the valve, as one of my dear friends put it, so aptly.
Ttssssssssssss (sounds like: air coming out of a high pressure container)

Hope there is enough time to say all the things that I want to say.