"If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." MRAZ

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


"I am woman, hear me roar."
Helen Reddy

I'd like to think that I am awesome.
Capable of anything.
Willing to do anything.
Able to BE anything.

And I think that the potential is within me.
I take that back-
I know that the potential BURNS within me.

But my flames are blanketed by my fear of man.
Fear of reputation.
Fear of fallout, of consequences.

OH, if I could but unleash myself of such fetters...
where would I be?
what would I be doing?
would my world be on fire?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

just wondering

Well you're magic, he said.
But don't let it all go to your head.
Well I bet if you had it all figured out
Then you'd never get out of bed.

You've got all the skill you need
You've got something
Call it gumption
Call it anything you want...



slide your foot off the gas
before we crash right back into the median
right back into the median, the median...

it separates our house
from the middle of the street

it separates our house
on the middle of the street

The shadow of the dome of pleasure
Floated midway on the waves;

It was a miracle of rare device,
A sunny pleasure-dome with caves of ice!

How could we get lost running in a straight line?

(I am NOT this amazing. These are words from amazing writers that I fashioned into my own thoughts. Thank you Sam! Thank you Jason! I don't think that I could have done it myself tonight.)

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

my Muse

"In this transition phase, I really am trying to live as much like a lizard as I can. Hot, rock, sun, fly, tongue."
Robert Downey Jr.

I had some extra time on my hands...
And so, I got him on my hand; my Muse.

His head rests on the first knuckle of my middle finger,
His tail curls around my wrist.
He is large, fat; serpentine-
Brown, blue, silver- with a little green.

He reminds me to feel.
He challenges me to NOT think-
but jump and roll into the landing;
That life isn't a script, but candid.

Thank you, Muse.
You hurt like hell; but I am glad you are here.
A picture of my chosen path-
Undeniable, unforgettable-

Oh, and I got my tongue pierced too.

sam is the man

But oh ! that deep romantic chasm which slanted
Down the green hill athwart a cedarn cover !
A savage place ! as holy and enchanted
As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted
By woman wailing for her demon-lover !
And from this chasm, with ceaseless turmoil seething,
As if this earth in fast thick pants were breathing,
A mighty fountain momently was forced :
Amid whose swift half-intermitted burst
Huge fragments vaulted like rebounding hail,
Or chaffy grain beneath the thresher's flail :
And 'mid these dancing rocks at once and ever
It flung up momently the sacred river.
Five miles meandering with a mazy motion
Through wood and dale the sacred river ran,
Then reached the caverns measureless to man,
And sank in tumult to a lifeless ocean :
- excerpt from Samuel Taylor Coleridge's Kubla Khan

Do you ever have days-
You don't have to understand!
You just feel, experience-
and know-
you are.

Thanks, Sam.
I love you too!

parenting will pass

Personally, there are days I think the whole thing sucks, and I am glad there is a heaven to go to after all this mess is said and done.

And I do love my baby- no matter who is right. Even in my frustrated moments, I try to love, love, love. I do wish he came with an informational print-out; but then I wouldn't have to rely on God near as much. I try to tell Him that there could have been other ways, but that's where the "trusting that He knows best" comes in.

Defintely NOT funny.
And I am certainly not happy about the whole thing...
but then, like a vapor, this existence will pass; and you and I can share coffee in paradise and giggle with relief that it is all over with...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

do you smell those fumes...

...they are coming from my brain.

For those of you who don't know- I am currently without employment. I left LabCorp in a step of faith at the end of August. The time home to rest, heal, and engage has been wonderful.

God has given us enough in that time to make sure the bills were covered.
So, let's take a minute to praise HIM for looking out for my family!!!

And now that minute is over-
I am freakin' out! I am the one who takes care of the bills in my family, and I am anal about the details. I have mentioned to God that having a second salary coming in...a little cushion, so to speak, would be preferable to the "just enough," thank you so much. And I am sending out all kinds of applications....

...and that is where the fumes are coming from. My goodness....can't they just take a blood sample and be done? I want to be so careful. I want to make sure each application I send out (to wherever) is perfect and original- that means specific cover letters as well. SIGH~

My head hurts.

So, if you think about it (or if that once-educated-brain-is-now-overdone smell wafts through your window and into your nose and reminds you of my plight) send a prayer up for me. I am asking God for something interesting, for decent money, and for something local (so that I can engage in mothering duties). But I am open to his will-

-and yes, even if that means I have to be patient.
(it is unfortunate, I am not one of those silent-while-waiting type of believers....)

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

i need to lose some marbles

I have this enormous bag of marbles.
Some of them are really old. Some are new.
Most of them very good people gave me. Some I found myself.
Each one means something- stands for something: makes me feel something.

For the longest time, I have been trying to forget that I have been carrying around this bag. It is heavy. And even though each marble makes me feel something- it isn't necessarily a good thing.

How do I pick?
Which ones go? Which ones stay?
Where do I start?
What justifications do I use?
Am I educated enough?
Am I wise enough?
Can I trust my feelings?
What is redeemable?

"Please, will YOU help me? Rescue me from this enormous weight. Help me keep the right marbles and help me lose the others!"

Monday, October 6, 2008

last night's dream turned tirade

I had a weird dream last night- and you were in it.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding for a good, but kooky friend up in that northern state. She chose to have the bridesmaids wear old, bedazzled wedding dresses topped of with crazy hats. For instance, I was in an ivory, strapless, cream-puff-skirt of a dress. And to make fashion matters worse, the dress bodice and my lavender, Gavin DeGraw hat tied the knot beautifully with each other- as they were plastered with an innumerable amount of rhinestones. Very flashy to say the least.

A simple church.
A packed wedding.

I can't tell you my surprise when your dad was the minister.
I wondered why you and your family where in the front row of the groom's side. It gave me a good view. You looked young. And when we made eye contact you looked worried, scared of me.

As well you should be.

Confronting you at the wedding wouldn't have been decent; so I waited. And as usual- you came to me first. It was a very surreal mix of our past and present- and to hell with whatever future there is...

"I'm so sorry."

"You always are."

"I just wasn't thinking..."

"That's the problem! You forge ahead and it's only when you are knee-deep that you think about the consequences. But you only seem to do that with relationships...or maybe, only with your relationship with me. And I am tired of it! I am tired of being that person for you. I am tired of going- then stopping; of relating- then being forced to disassociate; of wanting more- then getting none. I don't want to do it anymore. I love you; but not like that. And I think we could be the best of friends; but not if you don't even know your own mind."

Somehow, my friend's wedding melted into a conversation that I've been wanting to have. At some point, the cream-puff skirt dissolved into a mound of unresolved issues- ones that require dialogue.

Funny how dreams can turn on you.

Damn you! You frustrate me so much.
And yet, because we both exist on that plane- that beautiful, wonderful place; a place not shared by many- I will most likely forgive you your inadequacies (because I want to, not because God told me to) and be game for another go.

Since you'll probably get there first- order me a hazelnut latte. A large one. I want it to have a chance of lasting through our conversation.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

the shack

Please read The Shack by William P. Young.

I finished reading it today.
I cried.
My mind is still reeling with the ideas.

I will have to reread it again soon- to make sure that I absorb every single simple yet mind-blowing, amazing idea.

Today, I liked God.

in case you wanted to know as well

Recently, a friend asked me where I was with God. This was the answer that I gave him. I can't think of a better way to say it, so enjoy.

As far as God is concerned-
I am not the girl I used to be
I'm somewhere on the path to womanhood
I want to be a woman of God
But I am stubborn and cynical
There are some days better than others
And deep down, I am thankful
That His gift can't be returned
No matter what my faults are
Or how stong my battles with disbelief
His WORD doesn't change
And since there is nothing I can do
To earn it anyway
I have to trust that He will love me
As I am

Thursday, October 2, 2008


Change- (as verb)

1. to make or become different
2. to give up in return for something else
3. to leave or discard for another

Synonyms: acclimatize, adapt, alchemize, alter, alteration, alternate, amend, break, cash, castrate, commute, conversion, convert, correction, deviate, deviation, difference, diversify, diversity, evolve, exchange, fluctuate, graduate, inflect, innovation, metamorphose, metamorphosis, metastasize, modify, modulate, move, mutate, orient, orientate, oscillate, permutate, rearrange, reform, regulate, remove, replace, revamp, reversal, reverse, revise, revision, shift, specie, substitute, swap, switch, tergiversate, transfer, transfigure, transform, transition, transmogrify, transmute, transplant, transpose, transubstantiate, turn, vacillate, variation, variegate, vary, veer

-info from

I am only 27; and already I can recognize the traits of a persnickety, crotchety adult. I cling to routine, to the known like it's my lifeline. Confidence is found in predictable moments. And these moments are rolling on; and nothing new is being done. AND I AM ONLY 27!

Change is dynamic.
It involves work.
Would I really chose to to do more than what is already expected of me (and that which I expect from myself)?

I love the list of synonyms above because each word is a different shade of the word change. And each word carries with it it's own connotation; it's own consequence.

Change sometimes means making a mistake.
And the older I get the harder it is for me to willingly put myself in that position.

And so, here I am with crazy, conflicting ideas: about the person I am, what I struggle with, and who I want to be.

I embrace the idea of being dynamic vs. static- now I just need to embrace the action behind that hope.