"If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." MRAZ

Monday, October 6, 2008

last night's dream turned tirade

I had a weird dream last night- and you were in it.

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding for a good, but kooky friend up in that northern state. She chose to have the bridesmaids wear old, bedazzled wedding dresses topped of with crazy hats. For instance, I was in an ivory, strapless, cream-puff-skirt of a dress. And to make fashion matters worse, the dress bodice and my lavender, Gavin DeGraw hat tied the knot beautifully with each other- as they were plastered with an innumerable amount of rhinestones. Very flashy to say the least.

A simple church.
A packed wedding.

I can't tell you my surprise when your dad was the minister.
I wondered why you and your family where in the front row of the groom's side. It gave me a good view. You looked young. And when we made eye contact you looked worried, scared of me.

As well you should be.

Confronting you at the wedding wouldn't have been decent; so I waited. And as usual- you came to me first. It was a very surreal mix of our past and present- and to hell with whatever future there is...

"I'm so sorry."

"You always are."

"I just wasn't thinking..."

"That's the problem! You forge ahead and it's only when you are knee-deep that you think about the consequences. But you only seem to do that with relationships...or maybe, only with your relationship with me. And I am tired of it! I am tired of being that person for you. I am tired of going- then stopping; of relating- then being forced to disassociate; of wanting more- then getting none. I don't want to do it anymore. I love you; but not like that. And I think we could be the best of friends; but not if you don't even know your own mind."

Somehow, my friend's wedding melted into a conversation that I've been wanting to have. At some point, the cream-puff skirt dissolved into a mound of unresolved issues- ones that require dialogue.

Funny how dreams can turn on you.

Damn you! You frustrate me so much.
And yet, because we both exist on that plane- that beautiful, wonderful place; a place not shared by many- I will most likely forgive you your inadequacies (because I want to, not because God told me to) and be game for another go.

Since you'll probably get there first- order me a hazelnut latte. A large one. I want it to have a chance of lasting through our conversation.

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