MANTRA

"If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." MRAZ

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

withdrawn

"You are so quiet. Why aren't you saying anything," she asked me.

I know that she was reaching out and being loving; but there were a few good reasons I wasn't saying much.

First: I don't feel like what I have to say these days is 1) very interesting 2) certainly not very edifying. It is the basic principle: if you don't have anything very nice to say- KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

Second: (which is actually still tied to #1)
I am so tired of using my friends as shrinks. They don't get paid to hear me whine and moan; to listen as I delve into true feelings and motivations. That is all I am doing these days....why would anyone want to listen to that if you aren't getting paid for it?

Third: I am quiet because I am absorbing.
I want to hold onto the moment. Look at each person around me. I see the past: our beautiful, crazy memories. I see them as they are right now, and savor their presence. I see them in the future without me; and I am sad. I know that I am the one that will be missing so much.

That is why I am quiet. How can I say this without becoming the patient again; and again asking them to become my counselors?

"I am just absorbing," I say.
But it doesn't matter. They ask, and I answer.
And it becomes a long, sad discussion.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

just so you remember that we all love to hear about your crazy life so we don't feel guilty about venting ours in turn!

KatieBF said...

You know we all love you! We WANT to hear your feelings-whatever they may be. And don't worry, I'm sure we'll dump our crap on you too! Love you