"You are so quiet. Why aren't you saying anything," she asked me.
I know that she was reaching out and being loving; but there were a few good reasons I wasn't saying much.
First: I don't feel like what I have to say these days is 1) very interesting 2) certainly not very edifying. It is the basic principle: if you don't have anything very nice to say- KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.
Second: (which is actually still tied to #1)
I am so tired of using my friends as shrinks. They don't get paid to hear me whine and moan; to listen as I delve into true feelings and motivations. That is all I am doing these days....why would anyone want to listen to that if you aren't getting paid for it?
Third: I am quiet because I am absorbing.
I want to hold onto the moment. Look at each person around me. I see the past: our beautiful, crazy memories. I see them as they are right now, and savor their presence. I see them in the future without me; and I am sad. I know that I am the one that will be missing so much.
That is why I am quiet. How can I say this without becoming the patient again; and again asking them to become my counselors?
"I am just absorbing," I say.
But it doesn't matter. They ask, and I answer.
And it becomes a long, sad discussion.