LUCUBRIOUS

Urban Dictionary:

1. lucubrious: to be calm, cool, flowing; relaxed in an upbeat atmosphere.
2. lucubrate: to work hard, late into the night
3. lucubration: to study hard at night and also the product of such study; work produced at night

Dictionary.com:

1. lucubrate: A. to work, write, or study, esp. at night B. to write learnedly
from the Latin, lucubrare, which means to work at night by lamplight
2. lucubrates: to write in a scholarly fashion; produce scholarship

I promise that there are people out there who use this word. Just google it!
But there is one, in particular, who sold it to me with a shiny red bow: Jason Mraz!

Go make your next choice be your best choice
And if you're looking for a boy with a voice,
well baby I'm single
Are you in the mood for some dude,
are you in the mood to be subdued
Or would you rather just mingle?
Let's get set then, to go then
and let us jet set, we'll be like the jetsons
You can be Jane my wife. Should I marry Jane tonight?

I would, if I could.
I'd do oh anything spontaneously.

Or we can keep chilling like ice cream filling
We can be cool in the gang if you'd rather hang
Ain't no thing. I can be lucubrious with you.
I got no ifs ands ors no wits or whats about it
But this place is getting crowded
and my house is two blocks away
Or maybe closer
-excerpt from I'll Do Anything by Jason Mraz

For those of you who don't know (and consider yourselves blessed b/c I talk about him all the time), I am going through a serious Jason Mraz phase. And yet, I don't think it is really a phase. I think this is going to be a life-long love affair (similar to the one I have with Dave Matthews Band).

There is something infinitely groovy about his music! And he is a brilliant, brilliant writer. I envy his ability to word play. I strive to achieve his greatness. I have been so awed by his vocabulary that I have actually looked words up- yes, I know that I'm a nerd. That is how I stumbled upon lucubrious and realized that it was my word. In some way, my identity is tied with this word. That's why I chose it for my latest tattoo.

am and/or am becoming

"And there I am, in a kind of mask, voicing the voice of an aspect of what I've become, or an aspect of what I could well become, or an aspect of what I've become and not become aware of yet."
Robert Downey Jr.

I was in a conversation with a pleasant stranger this weekend at a wedding. She looked at me and said, "You are amazing! You are one of those people who are comfortable in your own skin."

"Really?! You think so?"

"Oh, yes!" she confirmed emphatically.

I turned to my husband who was also a part of this conversation with shock on my face, because he chimed in his agreement. All I could think was are you guys kidding me?

"Yes," he said. "She is a person who is comfortable in her own skin. And when she isn't, she plays it off well."

Wow. He really thought that about me? Me? A person comfortable in her own skin! Now, don't get me wrong- that is exactly the kind of person I want to be: comfortable with myself and confident in my abilities. I find these qualities in others so alluring, attractive, desirable. And even though, it is something I have wanted to obtain; I didn't realize that on some level, I had already attained it.

I reflected on their comments. Yes, maybe not in all areas, but in some- I am that person. Hmm...


And there I am, in a kind of mask- an aspect of what I've become and slowly becoming aware of...

spinning (cont.)

It's creepin' up on me...

But the weary one is often me-
Do you think it's obsession?
It's a dead end;
It's a long way down
Funny- the words you lose
You know the map is your hand.
Remember what you can!

Sitting alone again.

I held onto it close-
To the numbness in my heart.
And then I ran away
Just to find you.
I love and emrabce all that I can.

Let me bask inside your golden sea...

God, I am hopeful-
Of what this lonely night will lead me into-
Let me indulge in my view:
The keeper of starlight!

I say, "let the games begin;
This whole damn world is your toy, boy.
I wish you well. Well, that you get better."

Watch me disappear up under my skin.
I'll be feeling it...hope you're feeling it too-

I don't know just what I'm here for-
I want more than words can describe
I've been deprived...
My whole world has fallen apart around me.

I'm drinking all of the tears you cry
I'm breathing up every breath you sigh.

I don't wish to know my ending.
I just want to know when I begun.

Feel like I'm spinning-
Just like I'm spinning, spinning around-

-selections from Welcome to Schubas (Medley) by Jason Mraz


Is there anything else that I can say?
Perfect words- maybe a little rearranged; but noteworthy, nonetheless.
Spinning and looking for my place; but the golden light is beautiful and warm. I am hopeful.
The words are slippery beasts, but I remember what I can.
Hope; Hopeful; Am hopeful...
Maybe, I am getting better too.

lucky?

Everything's different- again.
Oh, My God, wait and see-
What will soon become of me?
This frozen heart and screaming wheels-
Does that screaming come from me;
Or is it from all this spinning?

Take me back-
To just before I was spinning.
Take me back-
It is amazing what a minute can do.
-from So Damn Lucky by Dave Matthews

And in that minute- if I had not been smitten, stubborn, wanting, willing, and in love; would I now be spinning? screaming? waiting and seeing what will become of me?

Right or Left?

Starbucks are everywhere!

I am at a crossroads.
One of many that I have already traversed. One of many that will force me to make a decision.

Right or Left.

I am not sure which way to go. This isn't one of those fast turns into a new direction. This action needs time to prepare for consequences- because either turn has good or bad side effects.

And so, I am at the coffee shop, Starbucks. (Because there is a Starbucks at every divet in the road offering a moment of respite from the journey.) I have ordered one of my favorite liquid delights: a decaf tall hazelnut with soy milk latte. I am sitting outside at one of the alfresco cafe tables, and have a perfect view of the divergence of roads.

Right or Left.

Thankfully, this Starbucks offers free Wi-Fi. Yes, I have my Mac up and running- helping me to research this decision...too bad it can't just make my decision.

Left or Right.

Frost said he took the one "less traveled by and that has made all the difference."

I appreciate that point of view.
And am thankful for his advice....
But, I'm not so sure that it's the choice for me...

if I were a stone

I love amethysts.
That purple gem is my birthstone. And I love how it can range from lavender to a deep, dark, rich violet. So much variety in one stone- I can relate; but that's not the one I would choose.

And, of course, I can go weak-kneed over a diamond. The refreshing clarity is like eating an Altoid- just burns you up inside. The more sparkly the better. The flash catches my breath. I expect fireworks. Diamonds remind me of my passion- but I am not passionate all the time.

I identify with a stone called Labradorite.
Imagine very dirty dish water- something a little gray, yellow or green- sometimes, brown. Semi-transparent and dirty with little bits floating around. That is exactly what Labradorite looks like when you first come across it. What good is a stone like that? It is dull. It is filthy. It is boring and typical.

But then, in the right light, it flashes- vibrant green, astounding blue, vital purple! I have seen- at times- a sunburst of yellow. It happens quickly. You could almost not believe your eyes. So beautiful. And surprising.

This is my kin stone.
We are one, though different objects.
This relates to my blog, "Interesting Thought." The mixture of divine spirit and dust.

You look at this dusty stone and flashes of brilliant beauty astound you. It isn't all the time; but when it happens, it matters and means something.

I know that passion wells within me. There are times when I feel compelled to rise above my typical existence. I hope that these flashes of passion are the divine sparking outwards. That in these unbridled sparks there is vibrant, astounding vitality. That there are glimpses of the Son. That I can rise above gray and be green, blue, purple, and yellow.

face it

Calm down
Deep breaths
Get yourself dressed- (and out of bed)

If it's a broken part-
replace it
If it's a broken arm-
then brace it
If it's a broken heart-
then face it.

HOLD YOUR OWN.
KNOW YOUR NAME.
AND GO YOUR OWN WAY.

And everything-
Everything will be fine.

-from Details in the Fabric by Jason Mraz

Too much running. Too much denying. Too much pretending things are okay. Enough is enough.

I look in the mirror and face the facts- ugly, hurting, and uncertain.
And, I'll be okay-
Why?
Because Jason says so...
Because Jana says so...
Because Romans 8:28 says so...

Because I have looked myself in the mirror, taken a deep breath, faced the bleak facts, remembered who I am and said so...

murrell's in my mind

A weekend away is always a good thing. Time for learning. Time for confirming.
Here are the latest new and reminder lessons:

1. The GSP isn't as smart as you think it is. And sometimes it is- but it certainly can't read my mind. Because, if it did...

2. It is so nice to be the passenger on a trip. Not driving is a wonderful thing....I actually got to look around! Now I have a list of places to check out next time I do drive.

3. Most of the "cute" guys at a Golf Resort are going to be 60 years old.

4. I am big on the pig.

5. Next to my Mac and my iPod, my HP Photosmart Digital Camera is the most amazing piece of technology that I own. These are the kinds of machines that make technology so wonderful and make life that much better (unless they aren't working- and in that case, life couldn't be worse...it is a love/hate thing!)

6. I love the beach. I love the sand in between my toes. I love the ocean. I love the ocean when it is too cold to swim and you're risking hypothermia to swim. I love tide pools. I find the poetic history on the shore breathtaking. It is awe inspiring how the same beach can be so different each day, each hour, each minute. And yes, I do feel closer to God at the beach. The majesty is somehow expounded, compounded there.

7. Little tourist beach shops don't tempt me as much as they used to- although, the fudge is still calling my name.

8. I think it is funny to go to a restaurant called Bovines when you have a view of the water.

9. I love live music- all kinds. Anything that puts spice into the night air. Sounds you can swing to, jam to, rock out to, sing with, shake 'em hips...

10. Big Orange Moons hypnotize me. And I almost lose myself looking...

11. Yes, I would have gone. It would have been the most stupid decision of the trip- if it turned out wrong. But what if it was a pleasant jaunt? It would have been amazing! And yes, I would have repaid the offer with a kiss on the cheek. And, thank you for offering- even if you were drunk.
11a. And speaking of drunk, what was I thinking? Being sick is never fun....but the spinning was...until I couldn't stop it.

12. I could have easily blown $500 at the tattoo parlor- good thing I didn't have that much. But love Dion! Thank you for talking ideas with me- even if I didn't like what you had to say.

13. My dragon is always with me. He gave me another visit. Again unexpected. But this time, I embrace the challenge with gusto, because I LOVE what I am doing! And hopefully, soon, I will see him everyday; and I will tell him- everyday- that I LOVE his presence because it means that I am doing what I LOVE!!!

14. Piercings hurt- and hurt afterwards too. But it's finally nice to look up and see what I have always seen- for real.

15. He hunts me and lurks in my thoughts the closer I get to the coast. My ghost lover reminds me that I really, really am made for coastal living. And in my dreams, he joins me there in my blue house at the water's edge.

16. Cloudy days at the beach may not prove beneficial for sun bathing, but they are just as soul warming.
16a. And hair curling! I never get curls at home like I do at the beach. Thank you, Finess, for softness. Thank you, Tressime, for lovely, milky waves. But thank you, Beach Air, for tight spiral curls that would make a curling iron ashamed.

17. How can hundreds of carp think they are going to get their fair share of pellets when 50 cents only gives you a handful? Don't they ever learn?

18. Follow the buzz. Explore the Beehive. You won't get stung...promise. The honey is waiting, dripping sweet with rewards. The Queen allows her workers some freedom to share the wealth. Bee brave. Step out. Bee yourself!

19. Sometimes waiting to buy something because you know you can get it for a cheaper price is the right decision. Two for one is what I am talking about.

20. Certain friends are forever. Forever friends still change and grow. No matter what you think, accept the change and love. Or it isn't a forever friendship.

a moment akin

I was hopping up the stairs at my gym. Heading to the stationary bike. Wasn't looking for reading material- already had my Robert Jordan book. Anyone who knows, knows that it's enough to keep anyone busy for some time.

But there was a pile of magazines on my way, and I saw it. A semi-recent issue of Rolling Stone with Robert Downey Jr. pictured on the front.

You can rag me for all eternity; but ever since I saw Only You, I've had an unconfessed Downey crush- despite all his terrible personal decisions. Might I just add that his character in Iron Man is scrumptious and I thought he played it so well.

So, now you know.
And know you know why I had to pick up this Rolling Stone. An amazingly hot pic of Downey; plus a line that says, "To Hell and Back with Robert Downey Jr." A very salacious combination- well done, Erik Hedegaard (if, indeed, that was your front cover lure, it worked on me!).

And what an education.
And what an inspiration.
(Everything in quotes are Robert's words according to Erik. I have, of course, used them to my own benefit. But if you are concerned about me taking things out of context, look up the article yourself.)

"Obligation is the mother of deformity."
This quote left me breathless. The best way to stunt the real self is to act upon obligations and not one's own choice. I've been learning this, but never able to verbalize it so accurately.

"Leave me alone. I don't want to do anything that's numinous to me, nor less than evocative. I just don't want to do anything."
So tired of living up to everyone else's standards. Might as well forget the whole thing and stop trying all together. Definitely thoughts that have rolled around in my head, like so many damp clothes in the dryer. Over and over again.

"It was manufactured. I didn't have an identity. I was playing around. I expressed it. I got the ball and I ran with it. I never said I ran the right way..."
My identity was a creation for the world around me. Realizing I am a people-pleaser on a foundational level, I am attempting to forego the pleasantries and be real.

"I'm such a work in progress at the moment, it's crazy, and life wants me on edge, I swear to you. But as long as I don't forget the past I'm cool. One must always be mindful. That there's nothing to be scared of anymore. All that tripped-out shit that isn't the way I operate anymore, but that's a twitching phantom limb. I'm changing, even though my conscious mind is oftentimes resisting, and then it becomes a matter of just how much do I want to resist?"
In my attempt to be real- I am learning about myself. Appreciating myself for who I really am. Giving value to my thoughts and opinions. Holding close to the lessons of the past, but not giving them the right to restrict my reformation. At least, I am trying. It's like trying to walk on an ankle recently operated on and casted-up for months: slow going. Trying to move on and heal all at the same time. Hoping to be strong soon and cursing the limitations; but knowing that things will work out- maybe.

"It's not an algorithm anymore. It's a fixed number. Things have been zeroed out; it's the beginning of something. But right now, it's still a void, and we tend to think of the void as an abyss or a vacuum with nothing there. In fact, it's a new road, and what you should do on this new road is close for repairs- close right way, because that old vehicle is not going to work on that new road. I mean, if the cosmos is a loving, healing thing that also spins real fast and erupts and does violent stuff, and if there really is some kind of order to the whole thing, then everything that's led up to this moment has to be part of it, or the math doesn't work."
This is the companion to my precipice theory: "not there yet...well, maybe. Well maybe I have to change first. Maybe the changes happen as I go. I need to look to God. God is always looking down on me, out for me, making way for me. Here is my new road. Found it. Finally! Am I ready to take it, walk it, claim it? Do I leave the past behind? No, it comes with me; but is not me."

"My identity now? My identity was written on the wall by ancient and formidable guides and forces. The best thing I can do is keep my hand out of it. And there I am, in a kind of mask, voicing the voice of an aspect of what I've become, or an aspect of what I could well become, or an aspect of what I've become and not become aware of yet."
I am becoming. I am learning and making, steering and asking, writing and praying.

I have become.
I am becoming.
I will become.

interesting thought

Listen to this thought (not mine, but I thought it was interesting; and saw it in a rock before I could see it in me...will explain later.)

God made humans by mixing 2 very different things: divine breath and dust. Spirit and earth were woven together. On one side we are realated to the angels, the transcendent, the spiritual, the Amish. On the other, we are cousins to jackals, weasels, skunks and lawyers.
-Dr. Terry Lindvall

The Maker of all things bright and beautiful is also the maker of some things embarrassing and funny. Thank God for the humility that comes in being "made a little lower than the angels" as well as "cousins to jackals, weasels, and skunks."
-Rachel St. John-Gilbert

As a father has compassion on his chidlren, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.
-Psalms 103:13-14

He REMEMBERS that we are DUST.
Not meant to be perfect. Never able to be perfect.
But always able to be loved- as we are. Composed of dust, dirt, muck, mud, putrid essence...
And still loved.
Thank you, Lord! For remembering, for understanding, for loving- me as me.

the greatest weekend...

I have an amazing weekend planned with the girls- one of "those" weekends.
Here is what it takes to have one of "those" weekends.
(this list is NOT in order of importance- it is ALL equally important!!)

1. Laugh Yourself to Sleep: Nighttime Devotions for the "Unconventional" Woman
2. 5 Star Accomodations
3. Private Beach
4. 2 gal pals that have known me almost 17 years...really, they are family-
5. Triple-Sec, Margarita Mix, Jose
6. Absolute Citron
7. Mango flavored RUM (b/c there ALWAYS has to been SOME rum...yum!)
8. frozen fruit
9. "Blue Like Jazz"
10. "The Shack"
11. Awesome array of funky, crazy, AWESOME jewelry
12. sense of adventure
13. desire for more ink
14. Crazy, orange dress
15. Funky Jason-Mraz-Michael-Jackson HAT
16. my apple
17. my iPod
18. my journal
19. my Crocs
20. oh, yea, and some money...

Planning on having a smashing time!

my merchant's tigerlily

It is a beautiful day-
A cloudy, gray day.
Cool and perfect.

A great day to listen to Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily.

Go West- paradise is there!
You'll be the brightest light the world has ever seen.
Your future bright beyond compare...
Such an awful sound,
The walls came tumbling down-

Disbelieving what they're seeing
They say I must be one of the wonders
Of God's own creation.
They can offer no explanation-
Know this child will be able,
Know this child will be gifted,
She'll make her way.

You were the love
For certain of my life.
I can't believe
I've lost the very best of me.
It's you I can't deny.
It's you I can't defy.
A depth so deep into my grief-
I renounce my life.
Now my suffering begins-

It's nothing but a tragedy
Lay to rest your soul and body,
Lay beside your name,
Lay to rest your rage,
Where your heart had burst
Where you had died.

I have walked these streets-
Have I been blind, lost?
Inside myself and my own mind,
Hypnotized, mesmerized?

I may know the truth-
But not face it,
Indifferent.
I'm on my knees,
I'm begging now;
But it's all gray-
All gray to me now.
This may be the time,
But I might waste it.
Something move me!
Someone prove me wrong!

The pages I could write-
Bitter words it would contain,
Wishing to never know your name.
The truth it would reveal-

Together, they are lovers cruel.
Can't you love me too?
He grows sober, sees his love
And gets on the move.

Accidentally, do you say my name?

Climbing over,
Climbing under,
I'm bound for the riverside-
To soothe my mind
To ponder, to sit, to watch.
O, Child, it's lovely!

How did I love you?
The rightful guardian of my life...
I made offerings of everything I had-
You were all that I could see.
You lied.
Damn you, betrayer.


She makes it all sound so beautiful.
An amazing soundtrack to a day like this-

**the words from the poem above are pulled directly from the lyrics of Natalie Merchant's Tigerlily- chronological by song."

MWAH...pucker up, baby!

Can I just tell you how happy I am that Christine kisses the Phantom at the end of the Opera?

She just lays one on him- and even he is surprised about it. Almost so surprised that he can't even enjoy it.

In my opinion, it is: intriguing, sexy, alluring, daring, risky, forgiving, full of desire, wishful, deliberate, showy, and most of all-

SAD.

Remember, this is Christine's last crazy act before settling down with Raoul.
There is a reason, no matter who it is with, they call it "settling" down.

Think about it: Chrisitine kisses the Phantom.
Let that sink in- roll it around on your tongue.

Kiss the Phantom.

oh...ok

I scream and rage into the void-
In this eternal black box, I wail until breathless.
It is endless night, no sun to shine on my despair.

Will I always have to choose to hold him back?
Will his intelligence wain because his acceptance of social structure is weak?
My son, the brilliant one, will he ever fit in and accept and adapt and be able to convey his amazing intelligence and awesome personality in a manner that others will see- other than me. Or will people always, always see the odd one; the behavior problem; the socially inept one; the screamer; the crier; the rough child?

"Don't worry," I hear. "We all have scars. That's what life is about. Just try to choose the best scars you can and keep them to a minimum. That's your job as a mom. God will help him- He'll make a round space in this square world for him."

Oh....ok.

There is a pin prick of light in my midnight box.
I look towards it, walk, and hope.

THANK YOU

dragon sighting

I saw my dragon.

I say "my" dragon, because that's what he told me he was....mine.

It was late and very dark outside. On my way home, I saw something out of my windshield. It caught my eye....well, wouldn't something that was big and moving quickly...up in the air?! catch your attention too? It was way too low to be a plane or any other aircraft. Hmmm...

Clearly it was too late.
And clearly, I should be in bed.
At least, that's what I thought, as I turned the car into my subdivision.

I enjoyed a deep, relaxing sigh as I turned off the car. Life has changed so much in the last month. I am trying to be cool and roll with the punches; I mean, clearly, God is still in control. That's my mantra during sighs like that one- anyway. I was trying to keep that in mind as I got out of the car and was dealt the craziest hand yet-

I just closed the door and glanced towards the end of the driveway- and he deftly lighted where tarmac meets cement. An ugly thing, if you ask my opinion. And mammoth. He has dark, midnight scales that cover his entire body; though, at times, there is a iridescent violet sheen that glistens when he moves the right way. His eyes are African Turquoise green. Yes, yes- he breathes fire; but only on special occasions- so he tells me. You would know that he breathes fire because of the smell- not sulfur, but charcoal; as if an amazing grill feast is about to happen, but the meat is missing. He doesn't have any horns, but an amazing set of wings and a very, very long tail. So, for the most part, he is very smooth and sleek; but there is definitely something ugly about it- just hard to put your finger on. And those teeth...

He sat and gazed at me intently.
I am not completely unfamiliar with creatures like dragons. I am a serious sci-fi/fantasy fan. But, even a fan like me, has a hard time accepting the hoped for and believed in and dreamed of- come to life and sitting on my property. His gaze wasn't malicious- at least, I didn't think I was on his late night menu; but it was curious, critical, cynical- and in a moment, I felt deflated.

"Hello?"

"Hello."

"Who are you?"

"I am your dragon."

Clearly, not one of many words, I thought; and he certainly wasn't very forthcoming.

"I have a dragon?! You're MY dragon? I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Well, I am your dragon now. And there is certainly no need to apologize; although you my feel like it before our time together is done."

"Why are you here? Not trying to be rude, you see. Looks like you could eat me in one bite. Why are you here now? I am not sure that I quite understand. I thought dragons, no offense, were mythical...fiction."

"No offense taken. I can't promise not to eat you. You look like you would be a tasty lunch. But I am getting off track...I am here because you are finally doing what you love. And you can't expect to have an easy go of it. You can't expect everyone to understand. You can't expect everyone to accept. I am here, and I will be around to remind you of that fact."

"Oh."

"Don't look so somber; or do. Surely you knew what you were getting into? No? Well, here I am. I can see that we'll have to take things slowly; but prepare yourself for the worst. That way the reality will be pleasant in comparison. That is your first lesson. One of the milder ones at that."

"Please, don't be offended by this question....but, is there any way to be rid of you?"

"Stop writing."

"Oh."
This was certainly an interesting development. He was right, though. And I knew it. But I guess I know it in a whole new way, now. But stop writing? When I am finally pursuing it seriously? When I have an amazing support group keeping me accountable and cheering me on? I sighed.

"Would you like to come in?"

"No. I won't be with you all the time. Just sometimes. When things seem to be going exceptionally well, I will turn up to remind you. When you are discouraged, I will pop in to make you feel worse. You will see me in comments that suggest the reader completely missed the boat; you will see me when readers reject your words. Believe me, you won't want me around all the time. You will be sick of me as it is."

And with that he was gone.
My dark friend.
MY dragon.
A very real thing.

the other kids

There are these kids that I want to play with-
I know some of them. They like me. And know that I would be a great addition to their group. Sometimes, I know that I would be a great addition to their group; and then other times, I am second guessing myself.

The ones that know me are cheering me on- "Come and play! You'll be great! We'll be so happy to have you on our team!" But I have to convince the whole group- the vote has to be unanimous.

There are code words that I have to learn.
Sometimes, there are costumes to wear.
There are certain ways to do certain things at certain times.

Funny that I want to join them....with all those rules.

But with the rules and secret codes comes a whole new part of the playground.
I am tired of the same old monkey bars. I am ready to climb up the steps, so that I can go down that amazing twisty slide.

good bye, my dear

There she stands- an amazing thing to behold.

She is tall and slender with perfect hair that used to be shiny blonde, but has now dulled into a respectable golden brown (which of course she gets touched up every 3 weeks). It is always styled in accordance to her outfit. She never looks out of place no matter what social setting she attends. She always belongs. And no one ever questions that...or her.

Her outfit is always in good taste- she never steps out of line with fashion, but always keeps to the modest side, so that no one could ever make a distasteful comment about her clothing choices. She tends to be pretty classic and classy- with everything.

First to be picked or wanted- she is kind and gracious and funny. And talented. Everything she touches glistens because she has touched it. Everyone she meets suffers from just a touch of envy. Though she would never make these distinctions about herself- not aloud, anyway.

See how she stands there. She almost looks humble.
She is very proud of being humble.

Beside her stands a dastardly handsome man- beautiful and rough all at the same time. A man who can be her match in graciousness, but can also swing an axe with amazing agility. Savvy in business and brilliant about anything, he somehow manages to make anyone, from any walk of life feel almost comfortable. They are partners for life. Each always happy with the other. Sure, an argument here or there; but they never last long and there is always a satisfactory make-up session.

On her other side stand 4 children- all beautiful, well-mannered, well-behaved, perfectly dressed. All, except the 3 year old, at the top of their class. It is befuddling how that 3 year old stands so still and still looks so happy.

You wonder how she does it.

I've wondered for a long time.
I am tired of wondering.
And I am tired of her.

She has looked over at me before and asked, "Jenny, really?! We are still waiting for you to join us." She said this graciously, but with a measured amount of impatience lacing her voice. She waits there with her resplendent family, presenting the final product, but not the way to obtain it.

They stand in front of the sanctuary of my church- the model family.
The air is rank with approval. I am heady with the scent and tears leak out of my eyes, because I want-

I want

but I don't know how.
And I am tired of trying to figure it out.
And I am tired of wanting.
Of wanting approval - of wanting to measure up - wanting to be apart of
instead, I am and have been apart
and I am tired of working against that. And so,

"Good bye, My Dear. You can't be my standard, because I will then always, always be substandard. I can't let you...NO, stop! Stop looking at me with those beautifully blue, doleful eyes!"

"But, Jenny..."

"But, Jenny, nothing. I reject you. I reject your friendship. Your way of living isn't the only valid existence. I condemn your superiority. I will forge new friendships: ones that allow me to be me- beautiful, crazy me. The beautiful crazy me with the crazy, dysfunctional family."

"But Jenny, I love you."

"No. No, you don't. You love the thought of me; the thought of molding me into you. Because you think you're right, and I'm wrong. You think you're proper and I'm dangerous. I no longer accept these words as true. Live in your pretty world, darling. We'll get to the same place; and there, it won't matter who was right or wrong. Who was pretty, proper and classy; and who was crazy and beautiful. There we'll both be able to focus on more important things."

I'm Yours

I was starting a new day.
I was tired. Had a to-do list a mile long.
I was in the gym- trying to bust my butt.
Clearly, wasn't really "feelin'" it today.

And then I heard you.
Your flaming yuke and your dulcet tones...
sigh.

I couldn't control the grin that spread like wildfire across my face. And suddenly, I was happy.

BRING ON THE DAY!

"I reckon it's again my turn
To win some, learn some
But I won't hesitate- no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm Yours...
Listen to the music of the moment
People, dance and sing
We're just one big family-
And it's our God intended right to be loved...
There's no need to complicate, out time is short
This is our fate, I'm Yours"

from "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz

a beautiful mess...

Far far, there's this little girl
She was praying for something to happen to her
Everyday she writes words and more words
Just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside
And she's strong when the dreams come cos' they
Take her, cover her, they are all over
The reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside

Far far, there's this little girl
She was praying for something good to happen to her
From time to time there are colors and shapes
Dazzling her eyes, tickling her hands
They invent her a new world with
Oil skies and aquarelle rivers
But don't you run away already
Please don't go

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
How an you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside
Take a deep breath and dive
There's a beautiful mess inside
How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess
Beautiful mess inside

Far far there's this little girl
She was praying for something big to happen to her
Every night she ears beautiful strange music
It's everywhere there's nowhere to hide
But if it fades she begs
"Oh Lord, don't take it from me, don't take it yourselves"

I guess I'll have to give it birth, to give it birth
I guess, i guess, i guess i have to give it birth
I guess i have to, have to give it birth
There's a beautiful mess inside and it's everywhere

So shake it yourself now deep inside
Deeper than you ever dared
Deeper than you ever dared
There's a beautiful mess inside
Beautiful mess inside

Far, Far by YAEL NAIM

This is an amazing song by Yael Naim. And if you don't know who I am talking about then for goodness sake, please google her. Listen to this song- it is AMAZING. It is also one of my theme songs. I will have to do a top 10 on that sometime.

Every time I hear this song, I am that girl.
I listen to those words- they tumble inside at all times. So many, I can't always get them out. Those dreams do make me strong; but when I don't believe, when I can't believe, they die- and part of me dies with them....every time. The colors call to me and make my life happier. When I focus on the colors- I feel dazzling....I am dazzling. I dazzle. And the music...it is truly a transporting power. Terrible and heart-wrenching and too sweet to let go. I never want to let go of the music....do you?

And I do pray. For something. For something good. For something BIG.

It is a beautiful mess inside.
I am the beautiful mess.
And the only way to know more, to be more-
Dive in.
Deeper than I've dared.

after 10 years...

What do you say when you reconnect with a lover from 10 years ago?

I love you!
Yes, you broke my heart.
But I respect you- much more than others who have.
You are now my standard- and so many fall short.

I look back with fondness.
My memories are mostly sweet.
We were both growing- it's ok.
Kids do that kind of thing.

Take care!
Enjoy your family~
Be my friend when you can.
I'll be here if you need me.

still alive...and thriving

One of the best things about not being currently employed is that I can put most of my effort into housework- that has been sadly neglected for the last two years. There are so many projects that have been started, but never finished. Here is my chance to jump on it.

One of my tasks this week was to clean out the fish tank. I promise you the gunk hasn't been building for two years (we only got it for Christmas, after all), but it was pretty bad! Bad enough that one of the fish actually died because the water was so dirty....yea, I know that's gross...and one was on his last legs....um, fins. (All of these fish are male, I just know it.)

So, scooped those guys...four in total, and left them in a pitcher on the kitchen counter. One, the one that was hanging on by his last fin, died almost immediately from the shock. Kept the two dead guys together- in a container headed for the "big flush". So, there are 3 fish in the pitcher. One was definitely moving slower. It was the white one who has a big orange spot on his head. I figured that one wouldn't be able to handle the shock of clean water, but I was going to wait and see- no need to flush him prematurely.

Then I had a mental/moral battle. I didn't want to clean this fish tank. I can't begin to tell you the amount of algae and nastiness that.....okay, I just can't. It was nasty- trust me. I wanted to chunk the whole thing in the trash bin; they would pick it up on Thursday and viola- OUT OF MY LIFE.

I was the "best mom ever" this Christmas when I bought the fish tank for Rand; but I am the only one that feels responsible for upkeep. Which can be a yucky job, especially when you don't keep up with it.

So, I have been waiting for these fish to die. Goldies aren't suppose to last too long. Well, I was staring at a pitcher with 2 and 1/2 lives ones (remember, SPOT wasn't looking so well)...and thinking, whether or not I wanted to engage in the upkeep of their habitat, they were apart of my family and I felt responsible for them. So, no continuous pitcher life for them, no flush-of-death. I buckled down and started scrubbing........and the phone rang.

I went upstairs and talked to a friend.
Not even thinking about the chaos happening below.
Completely oblivious to the fiendish plans of fish.

I was on the phone for a while-
Decided it was time to get back to my awful job- enough procrastination.
Go to check on the fish first, especially on SPOT since he was a little sluggish last I saw him.

And what do I find?
SPOT IS ON THE COUNTER IN A POOL OF WATER- COMPLETELY STILL!
I was furious with him!

Couldn't he have done it earlier so that I could have flushed him with the two others? How did Mr. Sluggish jump out of the pitcher? How long had he been on the counter? Eww, now I have to pick him up?!

So, I decided to wedge him between a knife (NOT the sharp end) and the fish net; and believe it or not, SPOT started thrashing around! Like I called out "CLEAR!" Well, instead of heading to the toilet, I dumped him back into the pitcher with his last two friends. And kept an eye on him all morning. The water seemed to revive him.

I figured that being reinstated into the fish tank, which was now very much cleaner, was going to be too much of a shock. That if he didn't die instantly, he was going to be dead the next morning......no such luck.

This is one stubborn fish with a wild streak and an intense will to live.

I could learn a thing or two from him.

are you in church?

It happened again today.
I was talking to someone I haven't spoken to in a long time, and the question came up,"Jenny, are you in church?"

I can't begin to tell you the amount of people that have asked me whether I was in church...or admonish me that I really should be in church.
And I can't begin to tell you how tired I am of this question!

NO (for the sake of you reading who don't know that answer), I am not in church.
And have many reasons as to why I am currently not attending church.
And I know that I should be in church- I did grow up in church, after all. But that's not the point I am arguing.

Why doesn't anyone ask me, "Jenny, how is your relationship with God?" OR "Jenny, what is God teaching you?" Either of these questions would be more interesting and CERTAINLY more challenging.

1. Could it be that no one questions my "David-like" walk with God, and are therefore harping on the only travesty?
2. Maybe my behavior is so un-God-like that all people can think is, "Dear Jesus, that woman needs to get back in church. That's the only place that's gonna help her!"
3. Or are people afraid to ask a question with meat? A direct, "where are you with God," would stop anyone in their tracks, and focus on matters of the heart and soul.

I just find it interesting how people handle me.
Is it their intention to probe me gently, thereby asking a less intrusive question? And when they hear the answer, offering me the easy catechism- forsake not the fellowship of other believers.

Or are they afraid of what they are gonna get when they ask me the infinitely more important question? And so, don't even bother; their excuses being: too much effort, too much time, too much Jenny, or sadly, not really interested.

sound of music

"Listen to the music of the moment, people, dance and sing..." MRAZ

I heard it today.
If you pay attention, you can hear it too.
It follows us- no matter what we are doing, no matter where we are in life-

our soundtrack.

There is music all the time.
Dance to it; sing out loud!
Cry when it stirs your emotions.
Enjoy the edge when it twists your insides out.

The birds caw and the crickets churp.
Your best friend laughs.
Your child cries at your departure....and return.
Your lover blows you a kiss.

So much to listen to- so much to enjoy.
Sing and dance, people. Make the most of the sounds that make up your life's music.

I've had enough, people...

There are things about myself that I have always hoped that I would grow out of. That growing up, growing older would make them magically go away.

But there is one thing about myself that I detest and isn't going away by itself.
The fact that I allow myself to be walked over, that I accept the victim's plight.
Someone will just push me down, and instead of standing back up to push back- I'll stay on the ground until they walk away; and mumble/grumble under my breath about how frustrated I am. How much my feelings are hurt. How I hope that one day I will change. I swallow the crap, and try to move along; hoping that I am the better person for it- instead of feeling like I am a spineless dope.

But, I am learning, that this isn't one of those changes that happen by itself by just getting older. It is a personality flaw that will take a rehaul of self to implement change.

And it is gonna be a struggle.
It is so ingrained in my personality-
WHY, YOU ASK?
Good question: I don't know.

1. I would like to blame it on my parents. I had a wicked attitude growing up. I would fight back, mouth off, in a heartbeat to defend my position. Clearly that wasn't acceptable and was punished. But never do I remember hearing that sometimes, defending your position against authority or standing up for youself is a good thing. I don't really remember hearing that offering a difference of opinions with respectful grace would have been another option. That pushing back isn't always bad- it just oftens depends on how you push.

2. I would like to blame it on church catechism. In my training, it was acceptable to fight for God's principles and in support/defense of the victim- there isn't really much for standing up for youself. But there certainly is a lot of turning the other cheek. For the sake of promoting peace, let others have their way within reason. Message: stand up for your morals, but not really if you're trying to be selfish.

3. I would like to blame it on the way I grew up. I must not have gotten the same vitamins as most other people in my generation, who seem to have NO PROBLEM standing up and fighting for what they want. I don't think I was told- the world is your, go conquer it. The message (whether it was verbal or just a way of life) was a timid one: step at a time, see if you can do it, wait for others to make room for you, don't cause waves, if something doesn't work out- accept something LESS.
ACCEPT SOMETHING LESS THAN WHAT YOU WANT AND MAKE DUE WITH IT.

I haven't had too hard of a time. Most people like me because I have an effervescent ethusiasm- there's is in low supply and they crave it. If you're liked, you live a fairly pleasent experience. But am I liked because that is truly who I am? Or is it that I have learned to be that way so it is easier, more pleasant to get things that I want. And let's not even talk about being challenged...I got pushed and I stayed down, deferring to the tougher character. And so, less confrontation = happy life.

I do have to admit: I fought/fight for the big things- lovers, college, friends, my son. But on a daily basis? For myself? Not really...
And now, it has to stop.

And today, I started.
Was in a situation and got slammed. I was furious, but about to swallow it and move on. Decided this was a good day to make a change. Approached the sitaution from a different angle- one in which I felt more comfortable and confident. Stated my expectations more firmly. Offered other options. Didn't get a definite affirmative right away, but definitely got my opinion heard and acknowledged; and the day turned out the better for it.

So, why am I the way I am?
I still don't really know.
But I know it needs to change.
And it will- slowly.
I have 27 years of bad behavior to overcome.
And I will...

hot pink

I bought a half trench yesterday.
It is well cut and suits me fine.
It was even on sale- marked down and then 50% off.

It is HOT PINK, and I mean FLAMING HOT PINK.

AS the weather turns colder, challenge me to wear my trench. I might chicken out.
Yes, it is that bright.

something good

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

Have you seen Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade?
There is this moment towards the end of the movie when Indiana must take a step of faith onto the invisible bridge. His father is dying and he needs the Holy Grail filled with the water of life to save him. So, he is scared to death to step out, because there is a deep, cavernous fall; but he is as scared not to act for fear of losing his father.

Have you read the Gospels in the New Testament?
There is this story about Jesus and the disciples. They were floating on the Sea of Galilee. Peter is in the boat, looks out towards the water, and sees Jesus walking on the water. Peter wants to follow and calls out to Jesus, "let me follow you." And Jesus says,"Come." And Peter steps out of the boat and starts walking on the water towards Jesus! He gets scared, starts sinking; and Jesus picks him back up.

And here the twain shall meet.
Just call me IndyPete.

As of this moment, I am out on that invisible bridge; I am out on the sea, and those waves are CHOPPY! I want to trust in the path, but I am afraid that the next step, the unknown path, won't be releaved in time. I am afraid to fall; to sink; to drown.

I have faith- enough to ask for more.
I have taken some steps- enough to know that the next ones have been revealed.

But with every single step, the pressure mounts; and there is more at risk.
There is so much at stake.

Do I cross the "invisible" bridge, get to the other side, find the Holy Grail?

Can I ignore the CHOPPY waves and look towards Jesus with never failing eyes?


I would love to tell you that I was confident enough in myself, in my faith that I was doing the cha-cha across the bridge; and salsa dancing with Jesus through those choppy waves. But I am not.
These are timid times.
I am unsure of so many things.
Confidence is slow in returning; and direction is non-existent- it seems.

So, call me IndyPete.
And pray for my feet.