"If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." MRAZ

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

a moment akin

I was hopping up the stairs at my gym. Heading to the stationary bike. Wasn't looking for reading material- already had my Robert Jordan book. Anyone who knows, knows that it's enough to keep anyone busy for some time.

But there was a pile of magazines on my way, and I saw it. A semi-recent issue of Rolling Stone with Robert Downey Jr. pictured on the front.

You can rag me for all eternity; but ever since I saw Only You, I've had an unconfessed Downey crush- despite all his terrible personal decisions. Might I just add that his character in Iron Man is scrumptious and I thought he played it so well.

So, now you know.
And know you know why I had to pick up this Rolling Stone. An amazingly hot pic of Downey; plus a line that says, "To Hell and Back with Robert Downey Jr." A very salacious combination- well done, Erik Hedegaard (if, indeed, that was your front cover lure, it worked on me!).

And what an education.
And what an inspiration.
(Everything in quotes are Robert's words according to Erik. I have, of course, used them to my own benefit. But if you are concerned about me taking things out of context, look up the article yourself.)

"Obligation is the mother of deformity."
This quote left me breathless. The best way to stunt the real self is to act upon obligations and not one's own choice. I've been learning this, but never able to verbalize it so accurately.

"Leave me alone. I don't want to do anything that's numinous to me, nor less than evocative. I just don't want to do anything."
So tired of living up to everyone else's standards. Might as well forget the whole thing and stop trying all together. Definitely thoughts that have rolled around in my head, like so many damp clothes in the dryer. Over and over again.

"It was manufactured. I didn't have an identity. I was playing around. I expressed it. I got the ball and I ran with it. I never said I ran the right way..."
My identity was a creation for the world around me. Realizing I am a people-pleaser on a foundational level, I am attempting to forego the pleasantries and be real.

"I'm such a work in progress at the moment, it's crazy, and life wants me on edge, I swear to you. But as long as I don't forget the past I'm cool. One must always be mindful. That there's nothing to be scared of anymore. All that tripped-out shit that isn't the way I operate anymore, but that's a twitching phantom limb. I'm changing, even though my conscious mind is oftentimes resisting, and then it becomes a matter of just how much do I want to resist?"
In my attempt to be real- I am learning about myself. Appreciating myself for who I really am. Giving value to my thoughts and opinions. Holding close to the lessons of the past, but not giving them the right to restrict my reformation. At least, I am trying. It's like trying to walk on an ankle recently operated on and casted-up for months: slow going. Trying to move on and heal all at the same time. Hoping to be strong soon and cursing the limitations; but knowing that things will work out- maybe.

"It's not an algorithm anymore. It's a fixed number. Things have been zeroed out; it's the beginning of something. But right now, it's still a void, and we tend to think of the void as an abyss or a vacuum with nothing there. In fact, it's a new road, and what you should do on this new road is close for repairs- close right way, because that old vehicle is not going to work on that new road. I mean, if the cosmos is a loving, healing thing that also spins real fast and erupts and does violent stuff, and if there really is some kind of order to the whole thing, then everything that's led up to this moment has to be part of it, or the math doesn't work."
This is the companion to my precipice theory: "not there yet...well, maybe. Well maybe I have to change first. Maybe the changes happen as I go. I need to look to God. God is always looking down on me, out for me, making way for me. Here is my new road. Found it. Finally! Am I ready to take it, walk it, claim it? Do I leave the past behind? No, it comes with me; but is not me."

"My identity now? My identity was written on the wall by ancient and formidable guides and forces. The best thing I can do is keep my hand out of it. And there I am, in a kind of mask, voicing the voice of an aspect of what I've become, or an aspect of what I could well become, or an aspect of what I've become and not become aware of yet."
I am becoming. I am learning and making, steering and asking, writing and praying.

I have become.
I am becoming.
I will become.

No comments: