"If I knew all the words, I would write myself out of here." MRAZ

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

I've had enough, people...

There are things about myself that I have always hoped that I would grow out of. That growing up, growing older would make them magically go away.

But there is one thing about myself that I detest and isn't going away by itself.
The fact that I allow myself to be walked over, that I accept the victim's plight.
Someone will just push me down, and instead of standing back up to push back- I'll stay on the ground until they walk away; and mumble/grumble under my breath about how frustrated I am. How much my feelings are hurt. How I hope that one day I will change. I swallow the crap, and try to move along; hoping that I am the better person for it- instead of feeling like I am a spineless dope.

But, I am learning, that this isn't one of those changes that happen by itself by just getting older. It is a personality flaw that will take a rehaul of self to implement change.

And it is gonna be a struggle.
It is so ingrained in my personality-
Good question: I don't know.

1. I would like to blame it on my parents. I had a wicked attitude growing up. I would fight back, mouth off, in a heartbeat to defend my position. Clearly that wasn't acceptable and was punished. But never do I remember hearing that sometimes, defending your position against authority or standing up for youself is a good thing. I don't really remember hearing that offering a difference of opinions with respectful grace would have been another option. That pushing back isn't always bad- it just oftens depends on how you push.

2. I would like to blame it on church catechism. In my training, it was acceptable to fight for God's principles and in support/defense of the victim- there isn't really much for standing up for youself. But there certainly is a lot of turning the other cheek. For the sake of promoting peace, let others have their way within reason. Message: stand up for your morals, but not really if you're trying to be selfish.

3. I would like to blame it on the way I grew up. I must not have gotten the same vitamins as most other people in my generation, who seem to have NO PROBLEM standing up and fighting for what they want. I don't think I was told- the world is your, go conquer it. The message (whether it was verbal or just a way of life) was a timid one: step at a time, see if you can do it, wait for others to make room for you, don't cause waves, if something doesn't work out- accept something LESS.

I haven't had too hard of a time. Most people like me because I have an effervescent ethusiasm- there's is in low supply and they crave it. If you're liked, you live a fairly pleasent experience. But am I liked because that is truly who I am? Or is it that I have learned to be that way so it is easier, more pleasant to get things that I want. And let's not even talk about being challenged...I got pushed and I stayed down, deferring to the tougher character. And so, less confrontation = happy life.

I do have to admit: I fought/fight for the big things- lovers, college, friends, my son. But on a daily basis? For myself? Not really...
And now, it has to stop.

And today, I started.
Was in a situation and got slammed. I was furious, but about to swallow it and move on. Decided this was a good day to make a change. Approached the sitaution from a different angle- one in which I felt more comfortable and confident. Stated my expectations more firmly. Offered other options. Didn't get a definite affirmative right away, but definitely got my opinion heard and acknowledged; and the day turned out the better for it.

So, why am I the way I am?
I still don't really know.
But I know it needs to change.
And it will- slowly.
I have 27 years of bad behavior to overcome.
And I will...

1 comment:

hardwear said...

Have you read "Bounderies" Awesome book on the subject. Ax me later and I'll think of the author. It gave me the right to have a backbone, which is hard especially with the one's we love. Take care.